256 | The Weight of Worry: When Motherhood Feeds Anxiety

Ever feel like your brain just won’t turn off even when you’re bone tired? You’re not alone. In this episode, Onnie dives into how motherhood can actually fuel anxiety, from invisible pressures and perfectionism to the myth of the “good mom.” You’ll learn what anxiety really looks like for moms (hint: it’s not always panic attacks), how control and the mental load keep you stuck in overdrive, and the mindset shifts that can help you breathe again.

Transcript

256 Weight of Worry

Speaker: [00:00:00] Have you ever been lying in bed, completely exhausted, but your brain just refuses to shut off? You replay a conversation with your child's teacher, make tomorrow's mental to-do list, and before you know it, you're also worrying about what you forgot to worry about. If that sounds familiar, then you're in good company.

So many of us moms live in this constant hum of anxiety. Not the kind that knocks you flat, but the quiet kind that hums beneath everything you do, the kind that makes you feel responsible for everyone and everything. Today we're diving into why motherhood feeds anxiety, how invisible pressures.

Perfectionism and that nagging myth of the good mom keeps so many of us stuck in survival mode. If you've ever thought, I just can't turn it off, then this episode is for you. Hey there, and welcome to the Moms Without Capes podcast. I'm your host, Onnie Michalsky, a licensed therapist mom [00:01:00] of six. And a self-proclaimed recovering supermom.

Here on the show, we talk about reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood because you are so much more than a mom. Today we are talking about worry and how it can become all consuming. I know that you're not new to we, and trust me, neither am I. It just comes with the territory of being a mom, but I've learned some tricks along the way, and so today I wanna share with you how you can better manage your worrisome thoughts so that you can be more present with your partner, your kids, and yourself.

This is Moms without Capes. Before we jump in, I wanna invite you to grab my Ultimate Self-Care Guide for Moms. It's totally free and filled with simple, doable ways to care for yourself, even when life feels chaotic. You can grab your [00:02:00] copy@momswithoutcapes.com back slash guide, or by clicking the link in the show notes.

Alright, let's talk about the weight of worry and how to finally set some of it down. When we think of anxiety, we often picture panic attacks or someone who's visibly nervous, like chewing their nails, maybe even shaking or just looking like that cartoon character. But for moms, it rarely looks that way.

In fact. Many moms who come see me, it's at the suggestion of their partner, or they just feel like something's not right. And many times when we start laying out their story, we see that they are riddled with anxiety, but it's just not how they pictured that it was gonna look like for moms. It looks more like where you just can't relax even when you have downtime.

Even when your partner takes the kids for a Saturday afternoon, your thoughts immediately go to, what should I do? What can I [00:03:00] do? You almost freeze because it just seems too much and the idea of just sitting down and reading a book or just sitting down and relaxing doesn't even come to you.

This might look like you get irritable when your partner loads the dishwasher wrong. I just did a TED Talk a few weeks ago, and I used this as an example, as what it means to be a super mom. If you find that you're always wanting to rearrange how your partner loads the dishwasher because. He's not doing it the way that you think needs it, needs to get done, and then you start to get irritable or grumpy because of it or mad at him.

This, it could be an underlying anxiety that you are experiencing. Maybe you find yourself scrolling your phone at midnight because your brain is still going, like you lay down on the pillow and. You just start thinking of all of the things, or you are doom scrolling for hours, and then maybe you're just constantly rehearsing worst case scenarios, not because you want [00:04:00] to, but because your mind thinks that it's preparing you for disaster.

I find this with a lot of my clients. We struggle to think of the best case scenario or what's probable versus what's possible, and our mind constantly just goes to what's possible and then we start thinking that that is what is gonna happen. It's just this like invisible pressure to hold everything together.

Because you're not just managing your own emotions, but you're trying to manage everyone else's emotions too, like your kids or your partners, or maybe even your parents. But underneath it all, there's this sneaky voice that whispers, if I don't do it, who will? That's not just wary, it's anxiety dressed up as responsibility.

We think that we are responsible for making everyone else. Is life better and more comfortable. But when we live this way for too long, our bodies just forget how to rest. Our nervous systems get stuck in fight or flight mode. We become wired, tired and running on fumes. [00:05:00] And one of anx anxiety's favorite partners in crime is control. We moms often feel that if we can just control everything, the schedule, the meals, the laundry, the bedtime routine, if we just get more organized, then maybe just maybe we can finally feel the calm that we want to feel. But the hard truth is, the more we try to control, the more anxious we actually become.

Because, come on, let's face it, life, especially life with kids. Is inherently uncontrollable. We just don't know what's happening. It's unpredictable. That's just a fact of life. And when we've got a lot of wheels turning, a lot of things happening in our life, which as moms we do, we tend to want to get control of all of it because we think that that's gonna be the ticket.

But think about it. You plan for a smooth morning and then. Someone can't find their shoes. You prepare for the perfect dinner and someone cries because the noodles look weird. You create a system for everything and still it falls apart [00:06:00] sometimes, so you tighten your grip a little more thinking, if I can just do it better, plan more, be more organized.

But I'll tell you that is anxiety talking. It's this lie that we tell ourselves, and it just keeps us in that perpetual cycle of trying to control more, trying to do more, trying to plan more, organize more, do all the things. It's sneaky. It's a sneaky bugger. Let me tell you, the mental load plays a huge part here.

You're not just keeping track of what needs to get done. You're also managing everyone else's feelings about it too. You're the emotional thermostat for the whole family. Making sure that no one gets too upset, too disappointed, or too uncomfortable when you're doing this day after day, month after month.

It is exhausting, and it's not just exhausting. It's impossible. Here's what's wild about it. When you start creating more space for yourself, the anxiety begins to loosen its grip. Because really when you look at what you [00:07:00] can control and what you can't control, you're more likely to have more control over yourself than your situation, or definitely more than other people.

Anxiety thrives on over responsibility. It wants you to believe that calm only comes when you fixed everything, but calm actually comes when you stop trying to fix what was never yours to hold. I've seen this happen with so many of my clients moms who finally begin to set down pieces of that load.

Stuff happens, things shift. Their partners often step up, their kids learn more independence, and then because they broke that cycle, their anxiety starts to quiet down.

So I wanna share some practical ways to start shifting this, to start loosening anxiety's grip. Here are just three mindset shifts.

I want you to say to yourself, I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. I know, I know. This is hard. This is hard, especially with our kids. [00:08:00] We think it is our personal job to make sure they are happy. Happiness for one is overrated. Two, you are going to be exhausted trying to make everyone happy. You can love your people deeply without managing their emotions.

You need to detach. Your job isn't to keep everyone smiling. It's to stay connected even when they're not smiling. The second. Shift you will need to make is to believe that good enough is good enough. Perfection feeds anxiety. It's okay to have cereal for dinner. It's okay if your kid's outfit doesn't match.

This morning I was talking with a client she was dropping her daughter off to daycare or to the babysitter, and she said, granted, we are in Montana, and today it was like 40 degrees this morning that her daughter was wearing a princess dress and refused to wear anything else. I've been there, but you gotta choose your battles, right?

And it's okay if your kid wants to wear a [00:09:00] princess dress when it's 40 degrees. Like it's okay. It's okay if you need a break before you tackle the dishes. You don't have to earn the break by doing the dishes first. A peaceful home doesn't come from perfection. It comes from presence. And then the third mindset shift that you'll need to make is to start believing that your worth isn't measured.

By productivity, this one hits hard. You are worthy of rest. Even when nothing is checked off the list, you don't have to earn your right to rest or relax. These three shifts, I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. Good enough is good enough, and my worth isn't Measured by productivity is gonna help you begin to loosen the tight grip that anxiety has over your daily life.

It's important to internalize these shifts. Write them down, and look at it every day. Say it aloud.

Now I wanna share with you a short grounding exercise that you can do anytime that you feel anxiety starts to rise.

[00:10:00] This one is gonna use your senses, which when you are in your mind and worrying, all of those thoughts are circulating in your brain. It's important to remove yourself from your mind and bring yourself into your body. That's a way to ground yourself and to bring yourself into your body means you want to tune into your senses.

So take a deep breath in through your nose let it out through your mouth. Now look around and name five things you can see. Four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. And if you can't taste anything, maybe you're even tasting like the toothpaste that you used to brush your teeth.

Name one thing that you are grateful for. This simple 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise. Brings you back into your body and out of your racing thoughts. It reminds your nervous system that it is safe, that you are here and that you are okay. It will bring [00:11:00] you out of that fight or flight state and back into your self.

If anxiety has become the background music of your life, please know you are not broken. You're simply just carrying too much. Start by setting one thing down today. One expectation, one task, one should.

If you need help learning how to take care of you again, make sure to download the Ultimate Self-Care Guide for Moms. I'm telling you, it's packed with simple guilt-free ways to reconnect with yourself and make space for calm. You can grab it for free@momswithoutcapes.com slash guide or by hitting the link in today's show notes.

Until next time, remember that you are so much more than a mom. You are a whole beautiful human being who deserves peace, rest, enjoy. Thank you so much for listening. To the Moms Without Capes podcast, if you love this episode, share it with another mom who needs to hear it, and don't [00:12:00] forget to subscribe so you won't miss what's coming next.

Remember, you are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you wanna feel. Stop living on autopilot. Slow down. Check in with yourself and please, above all take care of yourself because you, my friend, are worth it.