253 | When You Step Back, Things Shift

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped doing it all?

In this episode of the Moms Without Capes Podcast, Onnie explores what can unfold when a mom finally steps back, sets boundaries, and starts prioritizing herself. It’s not always comfortable and it’s definitely not simple but sometimes the smallest shift in your own behavior can ripple through your relationships in surprising ways.

Tune in to hear:
 ✨ Why stepping back doesn’t mean giving up
 ✨ How guilt and fear often show up when we create space for ourselves
 ✨ What it really means to trust the process of change
 ✨ A gentle challenge for you to try this week

If you’ve been carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and wondering if things could ever look different, this episode will remind you that change often begins with a single brave step - yours.

Transcript

253 Step Back
===

[00:00:00] Have you ever found yourself lying in bed at night thinking, if I didn't do it all, nothing would ever get done? You know the drill, you're juggling schedules, dinner plans, school forms, appointments, and somehow keeping everyone's emotional world from falling apart. Then on top of that, maybe you're carrying resentment because while you're doing everything, the people around you don't even seem to notice, and you wonder what would happen if I just stopped?

Would the whole world collapse? Would the kids be okay? Would your partner finally step up, or would it just prove that you really do have to do it all? I wanna tell you a story today about a mom who asked herself those same questions. She was exhausted on the verge of walking away from her marriage, but instead of pushing harder, she did something radical.

She stepped back. She focused on herself. She started reclaiming the parts of her life that had been buried under the weight of motherhood. And what happened next surprised her. But before I get into [00:01:00] that story, let me welcome you to the show. I'm onnie michalsky, and you're listening to The Moms Without Capes podcast.

The place where we talk about what it really means to reclaim your identity and build a life that you love beyond motherhood. Today's episode is all about what shifts when you stop trying to hold everything together. Set some boundaries and create space for yourself, because sometimes that's when the people around you rise in ways that you never expected.

Okay, here's the story. So. A mom came to me carrying everything, two kids with special needs, A household that never seemed to stop demanding a marriage that felt more like a business partnership than a loving connection. She was tired, bone tired. She was actually ready to call. It quit on her marriage when we started working together.

Before making that final decision, she decided she's [00:02:00] gonna just give it one more try. Now, here's the twist. She didn't start by working harder on the marriage because she had kind of given up on that. She didn't start by trying to fix her husband because again, she tried that and it didn't work. She started.

By focusing on herself,

one of the first things that she decided to do was to join a support group. Now, for this woman, she joined Al-Anon, which for those of you who are unfamiliar with Al-Anon, is a group for the family members of those struggling with addiction, specifically alcohol. She joined the support group where she could hear other people's stories and not feel so alone.

She reconnected with friends that she had drifted from. She started to notice when her inner voice whispered, you are lazy if you're not doing it all. And she began to challenge it. Little by little, she started to let go of the need. To manage everything. I'm not saying it was easy for her because it absolutely wasn't.

In fact, much of our time together focused [00:03:00] on the struggle of letting go, letting go of that need to manage, letting go of the perfectionism, letting go of that feeling like she needs to be doing everything. But guess what happened when she stepped back? Her husband stepped up. He started cooking dinners.

In fact, last time we spoke he was cooking four out of the seven dinners. So more than half the week where before he wasn't doing any of that. He actually was checking the family calendar. And I know for a lot of you, this could seem like a alternate reality, but he was actually checking the calendar and seeing what.

Was on it. He started handling childcare details, bathing the kids at night, putting them to bed, and he was initiating conversations about their relationship. Here's the thing, he didn't even know that his wife was on the verge of divorce, that she had already met with a lawyer. He knew none of that.

All he knew was that she was stepping back so that provided the space for him to step up.

The thing is, is she didn't know how to [00:04:00] feel about it. Part of her was really thrilled and part of her was angry. Why did it take me falling apart for him to do this? And then there was another part of her that was afraid. What if it doesn't last? Can you relate to that mix of emotions, relief, anger, hope, fear, all living side by side?

I would say this is mixed emotions. At its best. This is what ambivalence looks like. It's the tension of wanting to believe things can change, but bracing for the other shoe to drop. And it is so normal. So let's talk about what's really going on here, because this isn't just her story. It's many of our stories,

boundaries make room for others to grow. I've said this in so many other episodes. Boundaries are as much for the other person as they are for you. When you stop micromanaging people around, you can step up. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. But until you step back, there is absolutely no [00:05:00] space for that shift to happen.

Guilt will try to pull you back in. This mom described feeling lazy when she wasn't running the whole show. Sound familiar? That's not laziness. That's years of conditioning. Rest does not equal laziness. Delegation is not laziness. Boundaries are not laziness.

Mixed feelings are normal. We often think that progress should feel only good, but in reality, it often stirs up frustration, grief and doubt. You can be glad something is happening and angry it didn't happen sooner. It can be hopeful and terrified at the same time.

I often say that especially in the married relationship or in that system, it's like a dance. When one of you changes direction, the other person will respond by changing as well. It's the whole reason why when I work with moms who are struggling in their marriage or in their relationships, and if the partner or the husband isn't up for doing marriage [00:06:00] counseling, I always encourage the mom or the wife to start individual counseling because when you start changing, it's inevitable that your partner.

Will shift as well when one person changes, the whole system shifts. By reclaiming her identity and focusing on what gave her life, she changed the entire household Dynamic. Progress doesn't erase the past, so even with these changes, trust was still fragile. Her husband's dishonesty around alcohol was still an issue and just because things look better.

Doesn't mean that you ignore old wounds. It's okay to hold progress in one hand and caution in the other. One of the things that we talked about

is continuing to invest in the relationship while she was noticing different things happening around the house and with the childcare and with the house. Management, the trust had eroded in their relationship and so it was equally important to continue to invest in that relationship.

Just like [00:07:00] she isn't the same person she was when this whole journey started. Neither is her husband. She may not fall in love with the person he was, but she certainly could fall in love with the version that is emerging.

Alright, let's get practical. If you're listening and nodding your head and the story resonates with you, here are some ways that you can start creating space in your own life. Pick one thing to let go of. You don't have to drop the ball on everything, just one thing. Maybe it's meal planning, maybe it's laundry.

Choose one task that you don't need to control and hand it off without micromanaging.

If your partner's up for the conversation and you think that fair play. Might be helpful. Fair Play is a system that I've done whole episodes about where it allows you to have a space to have the conversations about what it takes to run a household and raise a child. It's 100 cards, but you can start discussing these cards.

What does it mean to take out the trash? Why do we value a clean house? What is all of the things that are involved? It's not just taking the [00:08:00] trash to the curb, it's all the other things, right? first thing that I let go of was the dishes.

We had started fair play and my husband agreed he was gonna be completely in charge of the dishes. Now when he was traveling, he would delegate it to one of our older kids, or sometimes it just fell back to me, which I was okay with because I knew whenever he was around. He was in charge of the dishes I could take it off of my mental load.

Alright, the second tip I'm gonna give you is to notice your inner critic. When that lazy thought pops up, pause and reframe it. This is me creating space for others to grow. This is me taking care of me. I doubt that you would. Call a friend lazy if she was doing all the things you're still doing, right?

So why are you being mean to yourself? Noticing and challenging your inner critic will help. The third tip is to invest in support. Join a group, text a friend, get coffee with someone you trust. One of the other things that. This woman did was she joined a book club.

Just a way [00:09:00] to expand her support system. So important connection outside your family keeps you grounded.

Another tip is to ask directly for what you want. Clear is kind. Don't wait for someone to read your mind. If you want a date, say it. If you need help with carpool, ask

One suggestion that I offered, this woman was, she wanted her husband to plan a date. Now she could wait around for months even before he take the hint. Whatever hints she was offering, but I suggested, why don't you say to him, I would like to spend time with you. Can you please plan a date for us to go on?

She's clear. It tells him exactly what he wants. While it also allows him the freedom to come up with the date and that. Suspense, right? So it allows her to have him plan it, but it kind of nudges him in the direction she wanted, and it's good for both of them.

So it's a win-win. And then finally, hold space for uncertainty. Change takes time. It's okay to [00:10:00] celebrate progress while still being cautious. You don't need to rush into decisions about the future. Pressing pause is powerful, and that's what this woman decided to do. She had made a decision, which for a long time she was on the fence.

So when she made the decision, she felt good about it, but then things started shifting because she started shifting. She was changing, she was doing things differently.

And while she wasn't ready to completely decide that she wasn't getting a divorce, she decided to just push pause on that decision. So let me bring this full circle. Remember how we started today with that question? What would happen if you stopped doing it all for the mom I shared about stepping back created space for her husband to step forward.

It wasn't perfect. It brought up a swirl of emotions, relief, anger, fear, even hope, but it showed her something important. She didn't have to carry everything alone. And the same can be true for you. When you step back, the world doesn't collapse, dinner still gets cooked, kids still make it to school. Life [00:11:00] continues and you finally get to breathe.

Sometimes the people around you surprise you. Sometimes they rise in ways that you have been longing for, and even if they don't, you've taken the first step towards reclaiming your own energy, your own identity, your own joy. So I'll leave you with this. What's one thing you can step back from this week?

What's one responsibility, one item off your mental load? One task that you can let go of. Even just a little, because you don't have to wear the cape. You don't have to prove your worth by doing it all, you are already enough, and when you create space for yourself, you also create space for others to grow.

Remember, you are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot. Slow down. Check in with yourself and please above all, take care of yourself. Because you, my friend, are worth it.