245 | How to Rebuild Connection After Resentment

Resentment can sneak into a marriage quietly—one unspoken need, one overlooked responsibility, one “What do you need me to do?” at a time—until you wake up feeling more like roommates than partners.

In this episode of the Moms Without Capes Podcast, I’m sharing how to begin rebuilding connection after resentment has taken root. And spoiler: it doesn’t start with “fixing” your marriage—it starts with reconnecting to you.

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

rebuild connection 245
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[00:00:00] So there I was one night, not too long ago, crying in our laundry room, not because anything tragic had happened, but because my husband asked yet again, what do you need me to do now?

That question was something that he asked me many times, but in that moment. I just felt this mix of rage and exhaustion. I did not want to delegate. I wanted him to be able to look around and see what needed to get done. I was sick and tired of having help. I didn't want to be the sole responsible party.

For all the things that need to get done around our house, I wanted a partner who took equal initiative to doing the things that need to get done. Maybe you've been there too, feeling unseen, overwhelmed, like you're carrying the weight of it all, and silently resenting the very person who you're supposed to be doing life with.

If this hits a little too close to home, [00:01:00] you're not alone. Today we're gonna talk about how to rebuild connection after that resentment has crept in, starting with one, often overlooked piece. Reconnecting with yourself. Hey there, and welcome back to The Moms Without Capes podcast, the show for moms who are ready to stop feeling invisible and start showing up for themselves again.

I'm your host Ani.. I'm a licensed therapist, a mom of six, biggest cheerleader in this messy, beautiful journey called motherhood. Last week on the show, we got real about resentment, the kind that sis just under the surface in so many marriages. I shared with you five ways that we unintentionally grow resentment towards our partners, and I shared with you that I, myself have done them all.

If you haven't listened to that one yet, go back and check it out. today we're talking about what happens next. [00:02:00] it's one thing to realize, wow, I'm carrying some serious frustrations in this relationship. But it is another thing entirely to know what to do about it. So this episode is all about how to rebuild connection after resentment.

as always, we're gonna be keeping it real because rebuilding doesn't start with fixing your marriage. It starts with reconnecting to you. Let's dive in. So now the first step to rebuilding any relationship is being honest about where you're at. This means a relationship with your partner, but also the relationship with yourself.

And I know that it can be hard, especially if you're in that roommate phase with your partner where you're just coexisting co-parenting, maybe even co-sleeping. But not really connecting. I've had moms tell me, we are just ships passing in the night, or I don't even remember the last time we had a real conversation, or the one that breaks my heart the most is I feel completely alone in [00:03:00] this house.

felt that way as well, friend, if that's where you're at, you're not broken. You're not failing. You're definitely not alone, It's hard to feel that way.

I had six kids. I was raising six children. My husband traveled a lot for work, and when he was there, I was still carrying the majority of the weight. I knew what shoe size my kids were. I knew what they liked to eat on their chicken nuggets. I knew what jacket they would wear on Tuesdays, right? It's like ridiculous stuff like that. All of the stuff that I carried in my mind. so when he came home. It really wasn't much of a disruption except for the fact that he was disrupting my schedule and now I needed to tend to him as well.

But I was operating solely on my own and I felt very lonely. But I want to remind you that it takes courage to pause and just say, okay, something's off. Not to blame, not to shame, but just to notice and like anything. Awareness is key, so that's [00:04:00] why it's step one. Just becoming aware of where you are right now.

Acknowledge that you're feeling disconnected

now. Step two is actually reconnecting with your needs. Before you can reconnect with your partner, you've got to reconnect with yourself. So often resentment builds when you've completely lost touch with your own needs, your own identity, your own sense of self.

I shared in the last episode a story about feeling resentment about my husband watching football on Sundays,

and there was a moment where things clicked for me and I realized my own role in the resentment I was feeling. But up to that point, I hadn't been doing anything for myself. I put my whole identity around being a mom and had given up a lot of my own interests and hobbies and things that I enjoyed doing.

own time didn't exist like me. Time did not exist.

I realized that in order to chip away at the resentment [00:05:00] that I was experiencing, I had to start reconnecting with what I needed. I had to turn the table and start paying attention to my own needs. So I encourage you to ask yourself, what do you need more of in your life right now? What do you miss about yourself?

Where have you been over functioning or self abandoning? Just to keep the peace. I want you to hear this loud and clear. You are not selfish for having needs. Let me say that again. You are not selfish for having needs. It is so important to recognize the humanity of yourself. Like you don't just play the role as a mom. You're a full human being. There's more to you than just a mom. you start meeting yourself with compassion and curiosity, create space for true connection, not just with your partner, but with yourself.

So now this, this part is a bit tricky, but it's very important. Rebuilding connection doesn't mean taking the [00:06:00] blame for everything that's gone wrong, but it does mean looking at your part with honesty without shame,

yourself grace again, accepting your humanity.

Not keeping score,

getting curious about what you yourself are bringing to the table. Ask yourself, where have I shut down emotionally? Where have I been hoping he would read my mind instead of speaking up? have I over functioned out of fear or frustration? Again, this isn't about beating yourself up, it's about empowerment.

When you own your patterns, you reclaim your power to change them.

When you shift the energy you bring into your relationship, it opens the door for your partner to shift too. I'm not a marriage counselor. Although there have been times where I've been approached and I've been curious,

many of my clients have come to me they were on the verge of divorce. They were on the verge of leaving their partner that loneliness became amplified, and since they were doing it [00:07:00] all, reconnecting with their husband or their partner was just one more thing on the checklist they thought they could just let go.

I absolutely, without a doubt, believe. One person can change a relationship.

We are social beings. That's the way we were created.

So when you start shifting that energy that you're bringing into the relationship, does, it opens the door for your partner to start shifting too.

It's like a dance. You and your partner have been doing a dance for how many ever years you've been together. You've gotten pretty comfortable, but now you want to change the dance. So step four, in rebuilding that connection is to start small and consistent. connection doesn't usually come from one big heart to heart. It comes from tiny moments repeated with intention. So if you're wondering, where do I even start? I want you to think small. Make eye contact.

When you pass each other in the kitchen, send a funny meme, ask how their day was, and then actually listen.

Daily check-ins [00:08:00] can work wonders. This could be a 10 minute check-in. After dinner, instead of jumping up and start doing the dishes, you and your partner just sit at the table while everyone else, all the kids run off. I know depending on your family, this may or may not be an easy feat, but from my husband and I times that we just sit at the table while everyone else goes off and does whatever they're gonna do, and we can connect.

Say like, how was your day like sure, we had conversations at the dinner table while everyone was eating, but like being able to sit there and intentionally focus on one another, that makes me feel less alone, makes me feel more contented makes me feel more connected, I guess connected and contented.

But it chips away at that resentment. If I feel that I'm actually seen, even more important than that though, or equally important I should say, is to do something small for yourself every day that reminds you of who you are outside of motherhood, those small, consistent steps.

I have a list. That I'll throw in the show notes. [00:09:00] You can go follow that link and you'll be able to download a PDF of some ways to practice self-care.

If it's just 10 minutes of doing something where you're totally focused on yourself because. you are in a relationship with someone else, how do you get to know them and trust them and love them?

You spend time with them. When we want to reconnect with ourself, have to spend time with ourselves to learn, to trust ourselves, and to learn to love yourself. When you feel grounded, it changes how you're gonna show up in your relationship.

It makes you feel more present and more playful and just more you, more of that person that your partner fell in love with to begin with. This is what your partner and your relationship really need, also you, you need this.

Now, I know this can feel vulnerable, especially if things have felt tense or distant. Rebuilding connection means letting yourself be seen, and that takes communication. We want you to communicate with clarity and kindness. Clear is [00:10:00] kind. Not communicating with criticism or sarcasm or stonewalling, honest, kind, courageous communication.

Try saying. I've been feeling kind of far from you lately, and I miss you just acknowledging. What you're feeling, what you're noticing. I've been holding in a lot of frustration and I want to start reconnecting. I don't want to stay stuck. Using I feel statements as a way of taking accountability and recognizing this is how I feel, this is what I'm noticing in within myself, rather than using you statements, which casts a lot of blame and will just feed that resentment if your partner doesn't respond perfectly. You've honored your voice and that alone is powerful.

Alright, now let's talk about joy, because rebuilding connection isn't just about fixing what's broken. It's about bringing back what was good. Think about what you used to do together that brought you joy. What made you laugh? What made you feel like a team? wanna bring those moments back with you fully in them.

So [00:11:00] have those conversations reminisce. Share a laugh,

Talk about those shared memories,

and it can help reignite that passion and that connection. You don't wanna bring back the tire tapped out, checked out version of you, but you wanna bring back the one who is slowly remembering that matters to. You matter. So go on a walk together. Have a game night. You know, pull out the cards, dance in the kitchen.

turn on Alexa, and just start dancing. Have a dance party. Just you and your partner. Connection grows through shared presence. Let's recap. If you want to rebuild connection after resentment, here's your steps.

Acknowledge the disconnection, reconnect with your own needs. Take ownership without shame. Start small and consistent. Communicate kindly and clearly. And reintroduce joy with you in it, friend. You don't have to settle for a disconnected, resentful marriage. You don't have to go through the motions.

You can rebuild, you can reconnect, and it starts with you showing [00:12:00] up for you. if this episode resonated with you, love for you to leave a review. Go to the mwc podcast.com and there you can follow the links to leave me a review so that other moms who have lost themselves under the Supermom cape can find us and start their own journey back to themselves.

if you want more support in rediscovering your identity beyond motherhood, you know where to find me. Moms Without Capes is here for you in community, in therapy, and in this ongoing conversation. Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you next week. [00:13:00]