244 | Five Ways Resentment Grows in Marriage (And How to Stop It)

In this raw and relatable episode, Onnie returns to the mic after a short hiatus to talk about something so many moms silently struggle with: resentment in marriage. From doing it all to expecting your partner to read your mind, Onnie breaks down the top five ways resentment sneaks into your relationship — and what you can start doing today to shift the dynamic.

This is a “what not to do” episode — not from a place of judgment, but from lived experience. Onnie shares honest stories from her own marriage (hello, football Sundays 👀) and offers encouragement and awareness to help you reconnect not only with your partner, but with yourself.

Whether you’re in the thick of resentment or just starting to feel that emotional simmer, this episode will help you see the patterns and begin to change them.

Want my list of conversation starters to begin sharing the mental load with your partner? Email me at hello@momswithoutcapes.com and I’ll send it your way!

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Resentment 244
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[00:00:00] Hey friends, it's been a while, about six months actually, since I released a new episode, but I'm glad that you haven't given up on me. I've had a lot going on these past few months, including graduating our twins from high school, reassessing my businesses, through my own therapy, and while just relaxing and enjoying the summer.

I've been doing the Moms Without Keeps Podcast for four years now this month. I've recorded up to this point about 250 episodes, which includes some bonus episodes, and I haven't taken many breaks since starting it while I said I was gonna restart in June, June came, and I just didn't feel quite ready. I didn't think it was fair for me to show up when my whole heart wasn't into podcasting.

And so I decided just to hold off a little bit until I was ready. So here I am back with the Moms Without Capes podcast. This is where you're going to get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood. am Onnie mental health therapist and a mom of six, and my goal is to help you prioritize your [00:01:00] needs and carve out space for yourself.

So that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. Today's episode, we are talking about resentment. If you're wondering where all of this frustration towards your partner is coming from and how you got to this place of snapping, seething, or silently fuming, you're not alone.

Today we're talking about five ways that resentment quietly builds in motherhood and marriage. I call this a what not to do episode, but hey, no judgment. I myself done them all, If you've followed me for a while. this is something that I continue to struggle with, which is why I call myself a recovering super mom and not a recovered one every now and then that super mom syndrome sneaks back in and I've gotta set some boundaries.

I've gotta take a step back and see what is going on. Why am I feeling [00:02:00] so overwhelmed? And I know that you are experiencing the same. It's why you're listening to this podcast. I started Moms Without Capes as a way of helping moms feel so overwhelmed and stressed out they're trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations.

Thinking they need to do it all and be it all in order to be amazing moms,

I can clearly recall feeling so much resentment towards my husband,

especially around football. right now I'm a Big Eagle fan. Back then I wasn't. I hated football. I hated the fact that my husband could sit down on the Sunday afternoon and not have to worry about the house being a mess or dishes that need to be done, or the kids that need to be taken care of, and he could just totally check out and watch football.

It made me seethe. I felt so much resentment towards him and frustration, and I started hating him. I started hating the fact that he would be able to just do that, and I didn't understand that I had a role [00:03:00] the way I felt, 

There were some things that I was doing that fed that resentment, and I used to feel like, I've got this right. I can do it all. But then I realized that in my trying to do everything, I started to resent everyone, not just my husband, but even my kids. the number one contributor to. Resentment in a marriage is doing it all without asking for help.

I do not like the word help. Maybe it's without asking for support or without asking for equal contribution in teamwork, whatever it is. I don't like the word help because it assumes that. We as moms hold that primary responsibility. Like if our husband helps with dishes, then that means we are solely responsible for dishes and he's just lending a hand.

That's not the case. He is adulting, he's pulling his weight, or he's doing his part in a partnership. But doing it all [00:04:00] without expecting

your partner to contribute will be the number one

way that resentment grows.

I remember one weekend when I ran myself ragged. I think we had like two birthday parties that my kids were invited to. I think we were leaving. I just remember it just being a very hectic weekend. And Jason, my husband, casually asked if I'd seen his phone charger. That was when I lost it. It wasn't because of the stupid charger, it's because I hadn't asked for his assistant, I hadn't made.

All of the things that were invisible in my mind. All that to-do list, was all in my mind. was mad that he wasn't offering to help.

He wasn't offering to take any of those things off the list. I just lost it when he asked for his phone charger and I was mad at him the entire weekend. And now looking back, I should have identified where I could have offloaded some of those tasks where I could have shown him [00:05:00] and actually made the invisible tasks visible so that he didn't have to mind read, because it's not humanly possible to do that.

I held this belief that, it was just easier for me to do it myself than to let him take some of those things off the list. And even if he didn't do it the way I would do it, to learn it was okay the resentment, it just continued to grow.

Until I stopped and reflected on what was creating that resentment, what my role in it was and what I could do differently, nothing was gonna change. The second thing

that feeds resentment is expecting your partner to just know. Again, our partners are not mind readers. If I had a nickel for every time one of my clients said, I wish that my husband would just know what I need, but here's the thing, very often, we ourselves don't even know what we need because we're too [00:06:00] busy to stop and think about it and consider what is it that I actually need in this moment.

We are so knowledgeable about what our family needs, what our kids need, what our partners need, what the pets need. We know this like the back of our hand, but we are way too busy trying to satisfy everyone else's needs to even recognize what we ourselves need. So if you're thinking, if he loved me, he'd know that I need a break right now that is creating damage to your relationship.

My husband isn't a mind reader, and yours is not a mind reader either. If you need a break, you need to recognize that and learn how to ask for it. Use your words. Say what you need. This is the thing that we're teaching our children to do. Use your words, right? How many times have you said that to your child?

But you've gotta take your own advice, [00:07:00] saying what you need and then giving your partner the chance to show up is gonna start chipping away at that resentment. Number three, keeping score. Even if you're not doing this consciously, I did bedtime, I cooked, I wiped the butts, and he got to take a shower alone.

Like there was a season where I'd keep this mental tally. And even when he did chip in, I couldn't feel the relief because I was still keeping score. what I did, what I deserve versus what he did and how he was very undeserving of that. but I craved that alone time. I wanted it really bad, but I didn't use my words. I struggled to express that, I just kept suppressing that. Pushing it down, pushing it down, and I was actually feeding the resentment. The more I pushed it down, the more that resentment grew. But keeping score in a relationship, no one ever wins [00:08:00] that. So just put that score scoreboard away instead of score, keeping practice team thinking what needs to get done and how can we divide it based on bandwidth, not fairness.

Things are rarely 50 50. if you're keeping score in your relationship, nobody's gonna win. it's not a way that is going to grow your marriage or relationship. instead of keeping score, we wanna work to build the team. You and your partner, you are a team.

Over the years, as that resentment grew, that's where you feel like you're not connected. You're not part of that team because the resentment grew right up in between you two and is keeping you from feeling that connection. The fourth way that resentment grows is when you are taking full responsibility for the kids.

Default parent alert. If you are taking full [00:09:00] responsibility for the kids, you're doing it all. You're sending emails to the school, filling out permission slips, you're you're signing them up for the sports you're taking them to, and from the sports and the lessons and the classes and all of that.

When you're managing everything that is child related, you will be drowning under your mental load.

It is time to offload some of that responsibility. I did a whole episode on maternal gatekeeping. We have a role to play in our partner, not engaging, not doing the things that we desperately want them to take, but you have to recognize it's gonna take time.

Just like it took time. It wasn't all of a sudden. Your partner just stepped out and you became the default parent. This was a gradual development, and so now it's time to start working backwards. Start recognizing where are you gatekeeping? What are some things that [00:10:00] your partner would be willing to take over

you're the one who knows your kids' shoe sizes. What snacks they're allergic to when your kid's, friend's birthday parties are the due dates of homework. You know, you're the default parent and that is heavy to carry all of that.

But I invite you to share some of that mental load. There's gonna be a learning curve. I'm just gonna let you know that right off the bat, there's gonna be a learning curve. You cannot expect your partner to just know what to do, and that's why it's important to communicate, to share with them.

have a whole paper of conversation starters to start talking about this mental load. If you're interested, shoot me an email. 

I'll send you that conversation. List the list of conversation starters to start talking to your partner about that mental load. It might mean learning how to let go of control, not dropping the ball. 'just little ways to let go of that control that you may [00:11:00] feel that you need in order to get the kids where they need to be in order to raise them in the way you want to raise.

that resentment is growing. Silence breeds resentment, so one is knowing your needs, but then learning to express them, feeling safe enough to express them. There were times that I'd say it's fine when it really wasn't. I still say that, and I have to catch myself because it isn't fine if I'm carrying a huge mental load or there's 50 things that need to get done in order for us to leave on vacation.

Things aren't fine. I'm not fine, and I've got to say that because emotional stuffing turns into explosions later. If I'm not recognizing and expressing what it is that I need, if I think like, oh, it's only gonna cause an argument, it's only gonna cause a fight, you know, I don't wanna do this right now.

If I'm trying to keep the peace by not speaking up about my needs, it's not working for our relationship. Speaking up [00:12:00] doesn't mean starting a fight. It means that you're honoring your needs.

So in this episode, I hope that you can recognize if you're doing any of these five things, doing it all without asking for help, expecting your partner to just know, keeping the score, taking all the responsibility for the kids, and burying your needs to keep the peace. 

The awareness will help you start seeing how can you change? What is your role in this, and what are some things that you can do to decrease this resentment? in the end, I want you to have a happier marriage. I want you to have a happier family, but most of all, I want you to be happier. I want you to feel that you are connected with your partner.

Not that he's on a different team, but that you are on the same team with the same goals, and you're both working to make space for yourselves so that you're not feeling resentment, so that you're feeling connected. You don't have to do this perfectly. It's not about [00:13:00] blame, it's about awareness.

It, when we see the patterns, we can change them.

So now that I'm back, I'm gonna work on getting more consistent with putting out episodes. I'm gonna have an episode next week of how to rebuild that connection after Resentment. So you might not be ready for this episode coming up, but it's gonna be in the archives. So I want you to take something from today.

And I want you to start working to improve your life and improve your relationship. Resentment is preventable and you have a role being able to decrease it and instead. Start feeling like you're on the same team with your partner. Remember, you are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy you wanna feel.

Stop living on autopilot. Slow down. Check in with yourself take care of yourself because you, my friend, are worth it. [00:14:00]