237 | Adjust Your Expectations and Find Joy in Imperfection with Liz Kent

Are you tired of feeling like you have to do it all—and do it perfectly? Explore how you can adjust your expectations, embrace imperfection, and let go of the guilt that often comes with trying to measure up to impossible standards. In this episode, I’m joined by licensed therapist and mindset coach Liz Kent, who shares her expert advice and personal insights. 

We dive into where these unrealistic expectations come from, how they affect your mental health and sense of self, and what you can do to shift your mindset. Liz offers practical strategies for communicating your needs to your family, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on what truly matters in both motherhood and life.

If you’re ready to stop sweating the small stuff, lighten your mental load, and rediscover joy in your day-to-day, this conversation is for you. Tune in to learn how letting go of perfection can empower you to show up as the mom—and the person—you truly want to be.

To learn more about Liz Kent, visit www.perissostherapy.com or follow her on social:

www.instagram.com/lizkentcoaching

www.facebook.com/groups/lizkentcoaching

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Liz Kent
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[00:00:00] Are you tired of feeling like you have to do it all and do it perfectly? The endless juggling of kids' work and household responsibilities all while trying to meet sky high expectations can leave you feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from the person you used to be. In this episode, we're diving deep into the unrealistic expectations. 

Where they come from, why they're so hard to shake and the toll that they take on your mental health self-esteem and overall sense of self. If you've ever felt like you're failing at everything because you can't keep up with impossible standards. 

This episode is here to remind you perfection. Isn't the goal, and there's a better way. Welcome to moms with that capes, the podcasts where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself. So that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. [00:01:00] For years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry, constantly putting my family's needs. Above my own. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and felt completely invisible. 

It seemed impossible to carve out time for anything that didn't revolve around my family. But all of that changed. When I finally decided to move myself up on my own to-do list. I started prioritizing things that brought me joy and fulfillment, allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth and take ownership of my life. Instead of feeling like I was just constantly managing everything for everyone else. 

As a mom of six. I know, firsthand the struggle to juggle it all. But through years of learning, growing, and shedding, the supermom identity, I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs. Without the guilt. And now I'm here to help you do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood 

we can hang up that supermom Cape. And embrace a more balanced, joyful life. [00:02:00] This is mom's without capes. Today, we're chatting with Liz Kent. Licensed therapist and mindset coach, as she brings her expertise and personal experience. Sharing practical, actionable steps. To help you let go of perfectionism and embrace peace in the imperfect moments. We'll discuss how to communicate gore needs effectively lighten your mental load. And practice self-compassion as a game changing tool. For finding joy and balance and motherhood. Liz also opens up about her own journey of adjusting expectations, offering relatable insights and strategies. That will leave you feeling empowered, to live with more ease and authenticity. If you're ready to stop chasing impossible standards. Then this conversation is for you. And at the end of today's episode. I'll share how you can get even more value. From the moms with that keeps podcast so that you are [00:03:00] armed with the mindset. And action steps to make the journey back to yourself, even easier. But without further ado, let's dive into today's conversation. 

So Liz, why do you think moms hold theMselves to such high and often unrealistic standards? And how do you see this affecting their mental health and sense of self?

I think there are so many societal expectations for women and moms in particular to be doing it all. And culturally we grew up with this mindset of women can do it all, which is great. But. understanding that we all have limitations wasn't tied in there.

And I think just with social media and the access we have to information, we're seeing what other people are doing constantly. We're seeing all the options and things that are out there. So there's more pressure, to make decisions about things for your kids because we have all of this information.

There's more worry because we see what other parents are doing, or we hear [00:04:00] on, Mom chats what other parents are doing. I think we end up feeling like we've got to excel in all these areas parenting professionally in your marriage socially and taking care of yourself.

we see snippets of other people doing that, but we're not seeing the big picture of what that really looks like. And it's so hard. 

It is. We get caught in comparing. In fact, just this morning, I usually don't look at social media in the morning, but this morning, for some reason I did. And I always regret it after I do it.

I was looking a reel that popped up and it was a woman, a mom Surrounded by the normal chaos of kids and getting kids ready and stuff. And she said in her caption, it just mentioned, how do other moms, how have moms done this in the past? Hold down a nine to five job, get your kids to school, do all the things we need to do.

And of course I jumped into the comments, I always love to see when somebody posts a [00:05:00] POV or unpopular opinion or a question, jumping into the comments and seeing, I knew there was going to be trolls. And of course there was, and the one lady's we didn't cry about it on social media and all of this stuff.

I felt really horrible for this girl who put it out there. she's probably an influencer and trying to get views and all of this But it's those kinds of moments that I'm like, good thing that we have an outlet. And because there was to that one person, there was a hundred comments that said, it's okay to vent and to feel like this expectation is unrealistic that we've been forced to face 

Thanks. And I love the fact that we're talking about it. 

As you're talking, I'm just thinking about how part of the problem is that we feel like we have to hide it and look like we've got it all together. I'm sure you see this, but having worked with lots of women and hearing their more vulnerable sides you realize that 

Everyone is struggling with [00:06:00] something there's just too much to do as a working mom in today's society. I find that the more I talk about it, the more other people feel comfortable to open up and it continues that effect of people being able to be vulnerable and share that reality 

we recognize that it normalizes it a little bit more, We're all in it. 

Yeah. It gives us that sense of I'm not alone because so often we are struggling in isolation and we think nobody's going to understand and nobody's going through this and how does everyone have it together?

it just perpetuates these self doubts and sense of I'm not enough. when we can talk about it and normalize it, we see I'm normal, this is a normal thing that other women are experiencing. I'm not alone. therefore I am enough. Just as I am. 

Yeah. I don't know if you and I have talked about this before, but the surgeon general, health warning that came out a few months ago, just talking about [00:07:00] the pressures on parents today, and particularly mothers, understanding that a lot of societal factors are different than even 10, 15 years ago, in parenting and all the choices and things that we have to think about and consider.

That definitely plays a role, which kind of brings me into the next question of where do you think these unrealistic expectations come from? societal self imposed a mix of both. What are your thoughts 

Yeah, I see it as a mix of both because I think there's definitely this cultural pressure.

To, have it all together and be doing all of these things. I love those, Instagram memes where you see women with, their eye mask on they've got their weighted vest they're reading a book and drinking their water they're like, I'm trying to fit in all my self care in 20 minutes after I get done with that.

We're inundated with, all these things we should be doing, for our kids, for our careers, for ourselves. The end. It's impossible to try to do those at all. And so I think that messaging, and then I find that women tend to be, really hard on themselves, [00:08:00] and talk very harshly to ourselves, and, to just have this inner critic, and I don't know if that comes from just growing up in the time that women in this sort of demographic now grew up in of that messaging.

Of go get them, do it all, pound the pavement. I think there's some American culture to that too, That kind of encouragement that almost swung too far in the wrong direction of but be realistic be kind to yourself And that's really important too. So we feel like we've got to be in this striving Constantly I always tell moms that I work with if your best friend was like, I am just having a train wreck of a day this happened.

And I feel like the worst mom we would never say, yeah, you are we've taught you and I do more, like the inner mean girl, but we would always say Oh my gosh, you're amazing. Like you're doing so much, give yourself some credit and. Be so much kinder. if we can just remember to use a little bit [00:09:00] of that, of how we would say something to our best friends or how we would want our kids to talk to themselves, or how we ideally want to talk to them.

Are we giving ourselves the same grace in our inner dialogue? 

Yeah. It's hard. sometimes we live on autopilot and we don't realize what we're telling ourselves. just having that space to self reflect and be more self aware of what we're saying to ourselves, because you're right.

We wouldn't say those things to our worst enemy, much less our best friend. we need to really work on that relationship with ourselves so that we can talk to ourselves kinder. And with compassion. 

Yeah. And I think that's hard, like what you said about finding the space to reflect.

Cause we're just, we feel busy all the time. So being able to carve out the time takes a lot of intentionality and effort. 

there is a society pressure to be over functioning and overachieving. coming from a place of not feeling adequate we tend to, Overcompensate by thinking our accomplishments are tied to our [00:10:00] worth.

we just continue to do more and more. it perpetuates this cycle of not having space to self reflect and talk to ourselves kinder and develop the relationship with ourself. Really. What do you think are some practical steps that moms can take to adjust their expectations and shift their mindset towards embracing imperfection?

I think really taking a look at getting to know yourself, taking some time to figure out what are your needs and what are the needs of your family members? Because those things are going to look differently for Collective families, each individual has different needs and just understanding where you get your energy from and what things motivate you and bring you joy.

And that's not going to be what everybody else Is posting on Instagram or whatever and that's okay and understanding that you can make choices that align with what feels good for your family? And I think a [00:11:00] lot of that is just being able to Say no, and understanding it's okay to say no to other things that come up if it doesn't feel aligned with you.

1 of the things I love to have clients do is some kind of personality assessment, like the enneagram online just to get that sort of feedback. I'm oh, who am I and what do I need and what makes me tick and that. And just to be able to see, there's multiple personality types, and even if you are, a six and somebody else is a six, that's going to look different.

I also like to have clients do, a values exercise, where they identify their top three to five values out of a whole long list of things that are all good, and see are you using your, Time in alignment with what those things are. So if your values are family then it's maybe saying no to some things that don't fit with that.

you have to get comfortable with saying no and practicing it and setting boundaries, I think, on our time. 

It is hard. one of the things that I found is, Having that support system [00:12:00] because it's hard to set boundaries in a relationship even your closest relationships, when you don't feel like you have that safe circle supporting you 

I'm a huge advocate of building that support system first, because I do the same things over on this side of the country like the values assessment. the personality system, really getting in touch with who you are, my whole thing is like beyond a mom and figuring out are you living in alignment with your values?

Because oftentimes when you're not, aware of what those values are, you do find yourself in that state of overwhelm and just that chaos that can ramp up mental health disorders anxiety and depression, making sure that you are, when we talk about self care, not Adding to your list, but really just providing that foundation that's going to support you in all the other things you think you need to do or that are on your to do list.

Yeah. I like to talk about self care is like not, it's not like the pedicures and [00:13:00] the facials and the girlfriend nights out. That's just those are just things you should do if you enjoy them. But self care is Setting boundaries on your time and your energy and being able to, recognize when you're feeling overstimulated and you need to step away from your kids or all those kinds of things what are you doing to meet the need that you're having right now so that you can take care of yourself to move forward and do the things that you need to do.

what do you think about getting caught up in that idea of perfectionism? Feeling like you've got to do all of these things, and not only do them, but do them to this level that blows you away. 

Yeah. I see so many women trying to do this and I think maybe our view of perfectionism is skewed because what we think is necessary is like really aiming for perfectionism and even being able to recognize that.

But I also think that just recognizing what is realistic and makes sense for a family and like how to, set [00:14:00] expectations for yourself that are realistic, that you can't be perfect in all areas. We're all human. We all mess up and practicing self compassion and kindness to ourselves.

And also I think on the flip side, celebrating wins so that you can celebrate the things that you are doing really well, even if it's not. To your standards, but celebrating taking time, frequently to celebrate what are the wins even if they're small things so that we're not just being bombarded with the negative messages of we're not doing enough.

Yeah. Giving yourself credit for the things that you are doing. One of the things that I have, clients do when they're struggling, especially with this is making that I can do hard things list to remind ourselves, because we often look at the valleys in our life the low moments and the hard times and the struggles 

we need to expand our focus. sometimes we need that reminder of I can do hard things. I am capable My past self would be totally in awe of the bad ass that I am, 

but [00:15:00] 

we get clouded by all of these messages and beliefs that we've ingrained that we forget the things, not just the accomplishments, but all of the things that you've overcome, the challenges throughout your life, you've made it to this point and you've done some incredible things, but we don't stop to celebrate those wins.

just acknowledging them is going to start shifting those beliefs so you can talk to yourself with more compassion. 

I love that for sure. 

Can you share a moment in your own journey where you personally had to adjust your expectations and how maybe it impacted your parenting? 

Yeah. just having my third kid.

And I know you have a lot of kids, so you might it was different along the way. But, when I had the third kid, I was just like, Oh my gosh, I can not do all of the things that I've been trying to do. at that point you are officially outnumbered. You can't just conquer.



outnumber your arms. that was the biggest transition from that too. I went from two to four because I had twins, the [00:16:00] third and the fourth. it was immediate, as soon as they outnumbered. My arms. I don't know how people do this. But I kept going.

Yeah. So really trying to adjust, recognizing that having a third kid is different than having two kids. There are more things that I have to do and think about The things that I did before, I'm maybe not going to be able to do.

being honest with myself about that and looking at what was the most important thing? Being able to prioritize, like how I'm using my time. So that it's aligning with those values and really being able to like, focus on, can I do the things that I really want to do well and put my energy into that Trying to do, it's just like floundering once there was like body in the mix. And my third was five months old when the COVID lockdown and stuff. they were home all the time and there were things to think about in some ways, but it was just like, oh my gosh, trying to work and everybody's home all the time and trying to meet everybody's needs Very [00:17:00] overwhelming.

So that was definitely, a turning point for me and shifting my own expectations. And. I think that has helped me learn how to communicate my own limitations to my kids. in my parenting and my relationship with my kids, I can let them know when I'm at a point where it's too much for me, my kids are 10, eight and five.

So they're old enough to have conversations with, obviously it doesn't work if they're really little, but, if I'm feeling overstimulated or they're asking me too many things I can say to them this is too many things for me to respond to right now and I need a couple of minutes just being able to be honest with them, I think helps me.

And that they can learn how to, set those boundaries on their own energy, too, and to respect somebody else's boundaries of I can't have all of this coming at me right now. I can help you, but I can't help you, right this second. And just, I think sometimes we're, so afraid of, disappointing our kids or, failing at parenting that we try to, meet everybody's needs all the time.

And that's [00:18:00] just not possible. And It's good for kids to learn that mom has limitations. 

Yeah, you brought up an amazing point, the whole fact that we need to communicate our expectations. it's one thing to have them in your mind and whether you're doing journaling or just thinking about what do I expect, right?

But, Communicating that to other people, you're communicating to your children, so that's teaching them all sorts of things like you mentioned, but also communicating to our partner, communicating to all the other players involved in our plans or expectations that everyone's aware things can change.

Of course, we're flexible. But when we get in our mind and we hold these double standards for ourselves, the kinks, that's when we start getting in a state that's not really. Serving us 

I think when we're not sharing what our expectations are, we assume that everyone else has the high expectations that we have, [00:19:00] either for themselves or for everyone else around them.

And so we get frustrated when other people aren't meeting our expectations because we're holding ourselves to such high expectations. Why aren't they? one of the best things that my husband and I have done is we set a time aside weekly where we just sit down and talk to each other.

And it's not like a logistical, like coordinating the week meeting. It's really just what's going on like in your life? How are you doing with, this thing that's frustrating with our kid and how are we going to. Parent and make decisions about it together. that's a really good place to bring those sort of expectations where if I'm feeling like.

of us is not he's not doing something the way in my head. I think he should be responding to of the kids or something. we have a place. That's a safe space where we can hold those things. it's not just coming out in frustration in the moment. 

has been a game changer and just us having that time and our kids know that's like a time. It used to be after they went to bed, but now I can't get them to go to bed before. [00:20:00] I want to go to bed. 

They're in the house, 

they know this is our time. You can come back in 10 minutes, 

we just go through, what's going on in life and it helps keep those communication lines open. 

Yeah. What I think, is it Gottman's? one of the experts or gurus, they talk about the State of the union. And having your State of the Union meeting with your partner to make sure that your expectations are shared or Yeah.

Trying to you if you need to adjust them 

Yeah. 

But just being on the same page allows you to feel connected and feel like you are not alone. Like that you've got a partner and even those who, you know, single moms or people who are parenting by themselves, having that support system and being able to communicate with your kids, we can't control other people or what their behaviors are, but we can bring to the table like this is what I'm expecting.

And this is what I feel would Contribute to a smooth operating [00:21:00] family system. And then put it out there because if you don't and you just keep it in your head, there's more opportunity for things to go sideways. 

And just related to that, have you read the book Fair Play by Eve Brodsky?

I'm Fair Play certified. 

Oh, That's right. I'm just thinking about how she talks about the minimum level. sometimes our expectations as women, are higher than what we're expecting our spouse to do. being able to, say, okay, if they do it at this level, I can be okay with that, whether it's a safety thing or cleanliness thing, and you're meeting that standard of care, it might not be done exactly the way.

You would prefer it to be done but that's okay because it's still taking it off of your plate if you're able to find Common ground. 

Yeah. And one of the things that you've emphasizes is that whole value based, right? It's not about the job getting done.

It's like, why do we want the trash to be taken out at a certain level of garbage in the can and talking about we value having a clean house and teaching our kids to value cleanliness and [00:22:00] tidiness So you're more talking about the shared values.

Yeah. And it's not a matter of compromising, but how can we work together to have that minimum standard of care so that if things are crazy. At least we know we can count on that partner 

to 

So I'm going to switch gears and wrap up the interview. Do you have any final advice I, have been saying to moms a lot lately, just the self compassion piece, like learning how to practice kindness to ourselves, and that sometimes that looks like, setting a boundary or saying no, I feel this a lot where I'm getting, bombarded with requests to, volunteer for things or send in things to the school that kind of stuff.

And that kindness to ourselves can look like, Oh, no, I'm going to say in December. It's really busy. I can't do any of those things because I need to take care of myself. So just that idea of, self compassion. And self care being about guarding your time and energy and [00:23:00] doing what feels fulfilling and not what feels draining.

what do you do for fun when you're not setting boundaries? 

I love talking about boundaries. I do love hanging out with my family. My kids are at a pretty fun age. I like to, do stuff with them, like lots of little adventures I love to read fiction and not your typical, feminine books, like Jack Reacher my father in law and I actually like the same books, he always buys them when they first come out in hardback and then we'll pass them on to you 

hand me downs.

Oh great, thanks. I'm like, this isn't even out on Kindle yet and I do really like working out, having some kind of consistent movement and that has shifted over the years and definitely over my stages of parenting 

I'm really enjoying not right now because it's really cold but before it got really cold, I was really enjoying walking my dog and getting in long walks. I also love being with friends. we have lots of families that we're friends with.

my husband and I are friends with the parents and our kids are friends and can play. And that's [00:24:00] where we are in life then everybody goes home at 8 p. m. And, we can call it a day. It's fun to be able to have that where it's easy for everybody.

but I do love spending time alone also. So reading is the thing. 

speaking of reading, 

a 

that you could recommend that you think other moms would enjoy? 

Yeah. I know we mentioned the fair play book. I always recommend that. Another book that I think is really helpful in understanding setting emotional boundaries is the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.



That is so funny that you mentioned that book because my kids keep asking me what I want for Christmas. I'm like, I don't know, but they just continue to ask me, I'm going to come up with an Amazon gift list and I heard about that book.

and I put it on there and I was laughing. I'm like, I wonder what they're going to think of grandmom. I just keep hearing about that book and I'm like, I want to read it. It might be useful for my clients. 

It's so good. client of mine actually told me about it a couple of years ago.

She had discovered it and was reading it and was like, it's [00:25:00] so eye opening. And I read it. even if you're not thinking about having immature parents. I think it's just helpful in understanding interactions with people in general and that we have different capacities for emotional, interactions when we're very in tune with our emotions and our emotional intelligence is high, we forget or don't realize that not everybody lives like that.

And so coming back to the standards of, expecting other people to, do these things in our mind. if you are the kind of person who pulls into a parking spot and back and forth until you've perfectly lined up. So 

You're not too close to this car. Or you're the kind of person who like, pulls in the spot. You don't look at whether you're over the line or crooked or whatever. And you just get out. You don't care if the mom's van next door, can't get her baby's car seat in, Those two types of people don't understand how the other person thinks so just being able to have that understanding of people different levels of emotional capacity, I think has really impacted the way I interact with a lot of people. [00:26:00] 

Okay I hope they get me that book, and if not, then I'll get it myself.

That's what I thought of everything I put on the list. I was like, you know what, if they don't get it, I'm going to get it anyway. Liz, where can people find you? 

I have a therapy practice in Maryland, and I do virtual sessions. anywhere in Maryland and walk and talk sessions local to, the Towson area.

my website for that is Perissos Therapy, 

and then I have a coaching business and I do mindset coaching with mom entrepreneurs, because there are some very unique struggles in balancing running a business and the mental load of that with the mental load of managing a family and home, especially with young kids when they need a lot from you, older kids need things from you in a different way.

my coaching is at Liz Kent coaching on Instagram. that's where I post most of my content. I have a Facebook group called the Thriving Mompreneur Collective. I'm coming out with my own podcast in the new year for the Thriving Mompreneur. launching in January.

So people can just go right [00:27:00] over and check out your podcast. Liz, thank you so much for coming on the show today and sharing with us your wisdom. 

Thank you so much for having me. It was great chatting with you 

Hey there. 

Are you loving insights from amazing guests? Like Liz on the moms without capes podcast. If, so I need your help to keep the goodness coming. Your reviews are the secret sauce. That helps us bring on even more incredible guests. The more positive reviews we get the better the guests the better the guests. The more powerful tools and tips you'll have for reclaiming your identity beyond motherhood. It's super easy to leave a review. Just head over to apple or Spotify, click those stars. 

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