234 | From Devastation to Healing: Navigating Life After Loss

Onnie opens her heart to share her journey of grief following the devastating loss of her 20-year-old daughter, Kaylah in this deeply personal and vulnerable episode of the Moms Without Capes Podcast. She reflects on how this tragedy has reshaped her reality, relationships, and approach to life.

Onnie discusses the importance of doing the work of grief—seeking therapy, attending support groups, and practicing self-compassion—even when it feels impossibly hard. She also explores the lessons she’s learned about setting boundaries, detaching self-worth from external roles, and leaning on her faith and family for comfort.

Grief comes in waves, and Onnie candidly shares how she’s learning to sit with her emotions, honor Kaylah’s memory, and navigate this new chapter of life. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one or mourning the life you once had, Onnie offers encouragement and asks the poignant question: What are you grieving?

Tune in for a heartfelt conversation about finding strength in vulnerability, the power of community, and the importance of asking yourself what you truly need.

Transcript

Ep 234 Grief
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[00:00:00] Hey listeners today's episode of the moms without capes podcast is gonna sound a bit different than what you're used to This is Onnie and today I'm gonna be a bit more vulnerable I'm gonna share with you what has been happening in my life the past few months And share with you maybe some of the lessons that I've been learning.

I'm just gonna drop the bomb right in the beginning of this episode. So know that if this is the first time that you're ever listening to this podcast, this isn't usually how I do it. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, or you're a member of the Moms Without Capes Facebook community, then you may already know what I'm going to talk about.

I'm just going to just drop it and just let you know that on June 28th of 2024, we lost our 20 year old daughter

[00:01:00] and life as you imagine has not been the same since. We are devastated.

I've been doing some individual therapy as well as I've gone to a few different grief groups that are in my town, This is every parent's nightmare to lose a child. And I've just been trying to come to terms with our new reality and what life looks like now that Kayla isn't here with us.

It's been, comforting knowing that I will be with Kayla again, and that I can ask Jesus to give her hugs for Thanksgiving. We set her a plate and we're getting better at doing that. Sharing stories about her. I still [00:02:00] have all of the photos in our dining room. When we had her funeral, we created, I think, eight poster boards full of her pictures.

And they're still sitting in our dining room. my sister in law got, big canvases made of pictures that we had of her when we went to Hawaii as a family last year. We got those pictures blown up and they're hanging in our dining room and I've started dismantling the poster boards and made some collages for each of our children, our five other children of Kayla with them.

So I'm doing the work, I'm a recovering super mom. So my, way of dealing with things is by doing. And doing I have been doing, like I've been doing that. People say, how are you doing? I start telling them I'm going to grief groups.

I'm going to individual therapy. I'm doing the work. I. [00:03:00] Don't know how not to do things and I have been really forcing myself to Feel the feels because it is hard before I thought I did the work right I thought I Figured out how to rest and just be comfortable just being talked before about being a human being and not a human doing, but it's been really difficult because my way of coping is by taking action I've been working at giving myself some grace and compassion.

The same things that I work with my clients on, I've had to do for myself. These past six months,

sometimes it just comes when it comes, right? Grief comes in waves and I've [00:04:00] just had to let it come and not fight it and just say if I make plans, okay, I'm going to go, I'm going to do this and up to the very last minute, I don't know if I'm going to actually do it because there's times where I've committed to something and I've gotten halfway there in my car.

And the tears start falling and I turn around and come home and you know what? That's okay. I've had to also look at My relationships and reassess them and maybe step back from some of my relationships that may not have been given me comfort or have been holding unnecessary or, unrealistic demands on me.

That I'm just not able to effectively handle right now. And rather than damage the relationship, I've had to just step back [00:05:00] and set some boundaries, which is okay. And that's something that I have been working on for the past 10 years because boundaries aren't one and done. There are things that we have to work on that we have to continue to assess and determine if, where do we need to set this line?

And I've just had to accept that some people are not the best people to have in my life right now. But then there's also people that I need in my life right now. Last night I went out with a friend who moved away from my town probably 10 years ago, maybe even longer. And I maintained a friendship with her and she came to town last night and we went out to dinner.

And I am so glad that I did because it was like medicine to my soul. It was just so nice to sit down with a friend and just share my heart [00:06:00] because there have been so many times in these past six months that I feel that I'm doing things wrong. And I know that's crazy because I'm like, there is no right or wrong way.

I keep hearing that and reading that. There's no right or wrong way to do grief. But some people in my life have made me feel that I'm doing it wrong and that I shouldn't be doing. I should just be sitting or if I'm not sitting I should be doing, And it's frustrating and I really had to do a lot of self reflection and giving myself the same direction that I give my clients is asking myself what do I need?

Because I can't listen to everybody. I can't please everyone. That's something that I have been working on in the past 10 years is knowing that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. And I'm so glad that I've done the work up to this point because[00:07:00] It's become easier to dobecause I can't make everyone happy.

And right now that doesn't even matter. I do have to take care of my family, but I know that they're going to take care of me too. It's not their job, It's not my kid's job to make me happy and it's not my job to make them happy, but together we can sit in the sadness and in our loss. And feel confident that we will make it through because we are together.

One of the things that have come, has come up in the past six months. is the whole idea of failure. And last night when I was out with my friend, we talked about [00:08:00] how so many of us moms are going through the same thing, yet we feel so alone. We were talking about, having

children who, are like school shooters, right? And how horrific those moms must feel if they feel that their children's actions are a reflection of them and why it's important for us as moms. To not feel like our children's actions are a reflection of us, where we can feel confident that we have taught them, that we have led them and instilled our values in them.

But ultimately the third choices are up to them, especially the older they get.

And now bringing it back [00:09:00] to my loss and our family's loss.

I have, over the past few years, intentionally detached my worth from my role as a mom. And I think that has helped me cope, or is helping me cope with the loss of Kayla.

How many times when my kids were growing up did I want to wear a sign that said, she dressed herself today? Because that comes from shame, that just comes from shame, like I'm ashamed of the way she's dressing or the decisions that she's making. And so I want to tell the world this isn't, this wasn't my choice.

And I think of that and I'm like, what the heck, that is sad, [00:10:00] that is so sad that I felt so ashamed that I wanted to wear that sign. Now, granted, I did not wear that sign, but that was something that I didn't even recognize as. Coming from, I'm not good enough. It came from shame. And now that I know that awareness is so key.

but for so long I thought it was.

And that is feeling judged. That is from my upbringing. That is that continual feeling of I'm being judged. I'm not good enough. I should be this way or I should be that way. And I need to knock it off because that's not true. That's just a narrative that I've been telling myself, a story that I've been telling myself.

That isn't true and it hasn't been serving [00:11:00] me and I think the work that I've been doing like I feel that I'm on the right track and I'm moving towards that, that feeling confident and feeling secure in myself and feeling like I am enough and fully believing it while I'm not there. I'm definitely a lot further than I was back in 2011.

Or 20, I don't know why I chose 2011, but, 15 years ago, I'm definitely in a different place. As far as where I feel secure in who I am and not just in my roles or my accomplishments, they say, the experts say, you should just talk about your scars and not your wounds. Meaning if you're going through something, don't be sharing with your audience what you're going through until you have fully healed from it.

The way I see it [00:12:00] I'm never going to heal from the loss. I'm never going to fully heal. Even before we lost Kayla. Like when I was grieving my dad, who he passed away in 2004, from, cancer, he had pancreatic cancer, he had three to six months to live. And I went back and I was able to stay with him for three months.

But when I was healing from that, when I was grieving that, I knew that I had read somewhere or heard somewhere that God doesn't heal the holes in your heart from people, from you losing people because he wants you to remember, right? That hole is going to stay there. Kayla is going to stay in my heart.

Thank God. I don't want to heal from that. She's always going to be part of me. I'm always going to be her mom, whether she's here on earth and a text away or she is up in [00:13:00] heaven in Jesus's arms. I know that because of my faith.

So I am going to talk about it. And so that's why I just felt the need to come on to this, to hit record today and share this with you because it's not a scab and it probably won't be a scab. I started going to one of the grief groups that I go to. there were 20 people in the room who have all lost a child.

There was something strangely comfortable about being in a room with people who get it. Now, if you've been following me for a while, you know I believe in the power of groups. I love groups. I've started, I'm constantly starting groups and being a member of groups. My husband makes fun of me for it because I'm always like, he's who, what group are you joining now?

one of the grief groups that I'm going to, I'm in, for a group that is specifically for [00:14:00] parents who have lost children. And there have been, parents in that group that have been attending for 35 years.

Now, when I heard that, my first reaction was, Oh my gosh, will I still be like, grieving in 35 years, but when you think about it or when I thought about it, I'm like, yes, Kayla will still not be a part of my life and I will still be grieving.

I, I don't know, I'm just learning about this. This isn't, I'm not an expert in grief. I've learned a lot about loss in the past year though, especially in the past six months. And I don't know, I don't know what's to come, but I do know this, I will get through this.

I won't get over it, but I will get through today. And I [00:15:00] know I will continue to reflect, I will continue to learn, I will continue to comfort my family, and I will continue to receive comfort.

So my final message to you, not final lesson, my final question or, yeah, my final question to you is what are you grieving? Because you may not have, you may not be going through the worst, Lost in the world, but there may be things in your life that you are grieving and maybe that is,

maybe that is your grieving who you once were, who you once were as a woman. And now you're feeling all the feels and you're seeing the possibility and [00:16:00] you're feeling lost as to which direction you're even going, but you know that there's possibility that you are more than a mom. And so I want you to feel the feels.

And I want you to take action or I want you to just ask yourself, what do I need right now that will bring you more joy, more comfort, more hope. All right. Thanks so much for joining me today. Come join my Facebook community. I hate to do it. Like I just got totally deep on you and now I'm saying just join my Facebook community, but seriously, come join the group.

You'll be with like minded moms who are all in the journey of reclaiming their sense of self within motherhood. I do monthly get togethers where we meet in our zoom room and talk about topics relevant to [00:17:00] mom life. I also hold other events like we're coming up to 2025. So I haven't even started my plan for 2025, but I'm sure there'll be some fun things.

I've got to do some thinking on that. This past year we did the self care challenge quite a few times and Maybe I'll come up with a new challenge. Maybe we'll just keep doing that one. I don't know what's to come, but come join the Facebook group and be part of my community. And thank you so much for joining me today and listening through this episode.

If you're still listening, thank you. I love you and take care of yourself. You are worth it.