221 | Overcoming Mom Guilt: Setting Boundaries without Feeling Guilty

Explore what’s really going on when we try to set boundaries to protect our own time and energy. In this episode of Moms Without Capes, we are going to look at the common sources of guilt and the reasons we often say yes when we really want to say no. I’ll share with you some steps you can take to set boundaries while managing and even eliminating guilt. 

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

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[00:00:00] Why do we feel so gosh darn guilty when we try to set boundaries? What keeps us saying yes when we really just want to say no. How do we slow down and not feel bad about stepping back and not doing everything? Today, we're talking about mom guilt and we're going to talk about how to set boundaries to protect your time and energy without the guilt. Welcome to Moms Without Capes, the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood.

I'm Onnie Michalsky, and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs, and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. For the longest time, I just couldn't figure out how to get past the piles of dishes and the loads of laundry to do something that didn't revolve around my family.

I felt [00:01:00] overwhelmed and underappreciated. That is until I started to do the work to move myself further up on my own to do list. And I began doing things that brought me joy and let me feel like I was an equal and worthy member of my family. I discovered that this is the key to not losing myself in motherhood.

Over the years of raising half a dozen kiddos, I can confidently hang up my super mom cape, and now I want to help you do the same. This is Moms Without Capes. Join us in today's episode as we explore what's really going on when we try to set boundaries to protect our time and energy. We're going to look at the common sources of guilt and the reasons why we often say yes When we really want to say no, I'll share with you some specific steps that you can take to set boundaries while managing and eliminating guilt.

[00:02:00] And I'll also share with you how to get your hands on a free resource that I created that will help you get more comfortable saying no. So stay tuned. And now let's dive in. What is mom guilt? We've all felt it, often it accompanies that whole idea of when you're working, you feel guilty for not being with your kids, and when you're with your kids, you feel guilty for not working.

it's often in that realm that we talk about mom guilt. Mom guilt is really just that pervasive feeling of inadequacy and self criticism that many mothers experience. And this can come with just the general balancing of parenting work and personal life. It stems from the belief that we are not doing enough for our children or we're not [00:03:00] meeting societal or personal expectations of what a good mom should be.

I have done episodes and talked before on Facebook lives and in just regular posts all about our need to redefine good mom, because the expectations we hold about that definition of what it means to be a good mom can hold us back in so many ways. In other words, our current definition of what it means to be a good mom does not serve us, especially if you are in this group, because this group is for super moms, moms that go above and beyond and they put their own needs on the back burner so that they can take care of everyone and everything else.

And this is how we define a good mom. But I created this group. [00:04:00] And I created my whole business on the fact that we are at our best. We are being a good mom and having the effects that we need to have on our children and on our families by giving ourselves space to tend to our own needs. That's what Moms Without Capes is all about.

And so I am on a mission to redefine good mom. Because when we are defining it, how we're currently defining it, we end up feeling guilty. It is triggered by several different factors, such as societal pressures. Those expectations have come from our greater society. We are immersed in a society that pushes hustle, hustle, hustle, get more done, do more, be more like this.

This [00:05:00] belief, this expectation that is put on moms by our greater society has done more harm than good. We are expected to be perfect. Or close to it, ever present, 24 sevens. Mom's like, don't get a break. They don't get to be sick. but those are the things that we are told and that we internalize, and then we start feeling guilty because we are not, they're not realistic.

We are not able to be ever present. We are not able to be perfect. We are not able to be the ever nurturing mother that society has, Put this pressure on us to be. When we compare ourselves to mothers who seem to have it all together. Hello, Instagram and Facebook reels, right? We are on this continual cycle of comparison where we are whether consciously or unconsciously comparing ourselves to a highlight reel of [00:06:00] what we see mothers do.

Now, kudos to all the moms out there, all of the influencers who show what it's like to be dealing with mental health issues or to be dealing with messy houses. That takes a sense of vulnerability and That's real. We need to see more of that. Because we need to know that our efforts are good.

The fact that you're worrying about whether you're a good mom or not, that shows that you're a good mom.

The work life balance, struggling to balance career aspirations with personal responsibilities, parenting responsibilities, that is a lot. We, like I mentioned in the beginning of this live, when we think that we're not doing a good enough job juggling, we start feeling guilty.

We start feeling guilty, like playing with your kids and thinking, Oh my gosh, I've got to go do that load of laundry, or I've got to cook dinner, or you're cooking dinner and your kids are like, I want to play. [00:07:00] I have to make boundaries, which is what we're talking about today, around my work because I love what I do.

I love working with women. I love creating things. I have, been brought into this world of entrepreneurship and love it. In fact, last night I had this conversation with my son. He's like, how come you're so self motivated? And it really made me think, like, how come I'm so self motivated? But I think it's because I'm very passionate about what I do, but I'm also, that motivation runs over into the other areas of my life.

But I have to create boundaries around my work so that I can be present with my kids and vice versa. That's why I'm here at the office today. Because I'm like, okay, I cannot Combine these two as much as I want to I have to create boundaries in order to get things done in order to serve you and The other women that I'm serving like my my clients my individual clients.

I need to be fully present [00:08:00] for them but then I also need to leave my laptop closed and in my bag and my phone on the hook as I tell my kids on the cord in a charger in my room when I am eating dinner with them and sitting outside with them and going to the lake with them. Like there's a time and a place and a season.

Setting unrealistic high standards for yourself and feeling guilty about not meeting them. This is where perfectionism comes along guys, like feeling like you have set these expectations way up here and then it's not realistic to meet them.

But yet you feel guilty because you're not meeting them. And how to help this is to step back and see what are you expecting of yourself. Are you expecting yourself to be a super mom? And if so, how can you change that to be more realistic and to serve you better?

Another source of this [00:09:00] guilt comes from thinking about taking time away from your kids to care for yourself or to pursue personal interests. I used to feel so guilty about this. I would feel resentment towards my husband who didn't seem to feel guilty about this.

He was able to watch football, go hunting or to the store. Nobody cares you're going to the store. And whereas I was like to just go put my shoes on, I'd be met with like tears and all of these things. I had put myself so much into the center of my family that I couldn't step away.

And when I tried to step away, Like I talked about to go to my Zumba class or to go for a walk or to do anything that didn't have to do directly with my family. The guilt would be so heavy that it would stop me from doing it before I even stepped out the door. [00:10:00] I would hide out in the bathroom because it's not realistic to think that we never need a break, but I had to secretly do it.

And even that made me feel guilty. And so I really had to re examine my view of self care and I had to set some boundaries and I had to communicate those boundaries in a way that would get my family on board.

About seven months ago, 

I went to see a naturopathic doctor I was telling her we were talking about my work. It was like an hour and a half, two hour doctor's visit. she asked me so many things.

She wanted to make sure she was like understating the whole story to be able to give me some ideas of how I can improve my health. And we were talking about my work and I was saying, yeah, I've been seeing some clients at night, but I really don't want to see clients at night.

but I felt like I was just pulled during the day because we were homeschooling our 10 year old [00:11:00] and I had some things going on and I was not communicating with my husband. I was stressing out about my work and how I can see clients.

So I was seeing them at night and it just created more stress for me, And so she was like, doctor's orders. Stop seeing people at night. I needed that permission to rework my priorities and my Schedule without that permission. I couldn't see how I could do everything but when she was like doctor's orders stop working at night I was like, all right, I'm on it.

that day I went home and I was like, all right, how can I do this? Because this isn't working for me. This is creating a lot more stress than I need to. It meant I needed to see less clients. I needed to put some boundaries around my time and around the number of people I was seeing and my work hours.

And once I did that, I felt relieved. I felt like that guilt go away. And I was like, huh, [00:12:00] that was really interesting. But that only happens when I tune into myself and say . What's going on? And then I had to consult outside help, which was in the form of my doctor to help me see how I can change things around.

That's what, as a coach, I offer to you. I offer outside perspective to help you see how can you change things in your life so that you can minimize that guilt. So that you can block out space for yourself for doing the things that you love and that make you feel alive without feeling bad about it.

Because when you start feeling bad about it, you're not going to do it. So we need to get to that underlying, underlying beliefs. that are preventing you from doing the things that you need to do To be the best not just for your family because heck yeah, you will be the best for your family but more so for yourself because that's where amazing things happen when you start making yourself [00:13:00] more of a priority and doing the things that are going to make you feel alive and bring you to your potential.

I heard this thing the other day that God's greatest gift to us is our potential. Our greatest gift to him is developing it. That, when I heard that, I was like, holy smokes, like, I love that. I love that because I have been so focused on like, living to my potential and doing the work that need, I need to do, discovering what my spiritual gifts are.

What are my abilities? Where are my, like, where are my strengths? These are the things that I help you, by the way, when we work together. But I've been doing all of this work and I'm like, that is it. Like I am doing this for God, like do it all for God's glory. I have a post it that I put by my door, going outside and I point to it when the kids are leaving.

I'm like, Hey guys, do it all for God's glory. Right? Like that's what it's all about. And we need to be at our best potential. So why do we struggle to say no, we struggle to say no [00:14:00] because we fear disappointing others. We desire to be capable and strong or to be seen as capable and strong. 

We care about how others see us. And so we'll often say yes, when we really just want to say no, But the third reason We struggle to say no is because it's out of habit. We're just not practiced at it. We haven't had practice to say no.

And so we end up saying yes to things that aren't serving us, that are not in our best interest to spend our time and our energy. Our energy is renewable, but our time is not. but we get into the habit of saying yes, to say no, it's hard. It's hard to do new things. But the more you say no, the more you discern your priorities, [00:15:00] the more you will say no in the future.

And the more people will get used to it. Because when you start setting boundaries, here's the thing. When you start setting boundaries, those who are benefiting most from you not having boundaries are the same ones. who are going to put up a fight about them, who are going to try to push them because they are not used to you having boundaries and so they are going to fight against them.

But it's those people that benefit most from you not having them that are going to find it most troublesome that you are actually setting them. 

this is the thing that comes up the most, right? I have clients and I've worked with moms who are very involved with their kids school. Now, I am not saying to pull back completely and not be involved in your kid's school. We need leaders. We need volunteers in the schools.

to make them run. But often when we have parents, cause there are dads that [00:16:00] volunteer as well. Those who are volunteering have a lot of things going on. In fact, when I was talking to my son last night about why I'm so self motivated, I said, well, if you want something done, you ask the busiest person.

That's just a common fact. because he was saying how he's more motivated during school when he's got a lot of things going on. But back to this, like the women and the people who are volunteering most at schools are, are very busy in all of the areas of their life, right? It's not just the volunteer at the school.

But we want our kids to have the opportunities and advantages that only come from parents helping. And so it is this catch 22 where we are giving it all right. We're the first ones to say, yeah, I'll volunteer for that. I will be in charge of that fundraiser. I will be on the school board or be on the PTA board or like whatever it is.

The home room mom, like when it has to do with our kids school, that is one of the [00:17:00] hardest places to say, maybe I should pull back on that because we think we want our kids to have these advantages and it only happens if people volunteer, but it may come down to, Hey, I've got a lot of things going on this year and maybe this year I can't give all that you need.

And somebody else may be better off in that position. But you have to step back and take a look and assess what are all the things that you have going on to make that decision.

Now, setting boundaries isn't all about just saying no. Setting boundaries is, protecting your time and energy, and it can come in a multitude of ways. Just saying no is part of it. Some ways to start setting boundaries, especially if you're new to it, is to, start small.

Start small in practice, especially if it's a habit for you to [00:18:00] continue to say yes when you really want to say no. Start with some safer people. So it might start with your husband or your kids, but keep in mind if they're benefiting from you not having boundaries, they're going to put up a fight.

Like, but just be careful, just prepare for it. And that's where the practice comes in. Start with like just some small situations where there's not many consequences if the thing doesn't get done. Right. but being clear and direct in your communication.

This is something that you may need to practice. You may even need to write it down or practice in the mirror or with one of your safe people how you are going to communicate the boundary you set using I statements, make it about your needs rather than the other person's, rather than blaming or criticizing.

For example, I need some time for myself this weekend to recharge instead of saying, you never give me a break, right? Like bring it back and say, [00:19:00] I need this. That might mean using the feelings wheel to identify how it is that you're feeling so that you can communicate that.

I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. These things can help you communicate how it is that you're feeling and allow that other person to empathize. Get comfortable with the word no. You can be polite and firm at the same time. No, I can't take on another project right now.

To say yes to yourself and to those things that are important to you, you have to learn that it's okay to say no to others.

Now, I've got a cheat sheet for you where you'll get ideas and tips for setting boundaries. And I want to help making, I want to help making saying no much easier for you. So go grab the free resource. It's at momswithoutcapes. com slash say dash [00:20:00] no. I'll put the link in the comments or in the show notes of today's episode and go grab that.

Get good at saying no because you have to say no to others in order to say yes to yourself. another tip for setting boundaries is sleep on it. There's a reason for that, because it provides space between the request and the response. It gives you time to mull over the request, see if it's something that you really want to commit to.

So saying, let me just sleep on it. I'll get back to you tomorrow. Gives you that time to think about it, to consider all your options and to practice a response.

Understand your own limits and your priorities. It is ultra important to value yourself, your time and your energy. List out your [00:21:00] priorities, make a decision tree, so that when you have a decision to make, when a request is made of you, you can go to this list of priorities and say, does this align with my priorities?

Because every minute you give away is a minute you no longer have to do the things that are important to you. So you really need to take some time to assess what is worthy of prioritizing and make sure that you are putting yourself and the care of yourself on that list.

So some ways to manage and reduce the actual guilt that may still come from following these strategies, from saying no, right? The guilt's going to come, but I promise you that it will lessen as you continue, as you keep on this train. Being aware of the way you're talking to yourself, [00:22:00] talking to yourself with kindness and compassion are going to make all of the difference.

This might mean, sitting down at the end of the day and grabbing a piece of paper. writing out, what did I say no to today? What kind of feelings came up for me? What were the thoughts that were leading to my feelings? And then challenging those thoughts. Asking yourself, is this realistic?

Am I engaging in some thinking disorders such as all or nothing thinking over, generalizing some mind reading? Like I've done episodes and I've talked about thinking distortions before. These are cognitive distortions. Are they playing a role in my negative thinking and making my thoughts twisted?

Reminding yourself why boundaries are important to you and your family. And then seeking support from groups. Moms Without Capes is a fantastic [00:23:00] group that you can bounce ideas off. Let us celebrate with you when you do say no, when you do set a boundary that's serving you. Let us celebrate with you. Tell us, let us hold you accountable.

Let us on that sleep on it time when you're putting distance between the request and your response, put it in the group. Let us give you some ideas of how you can say no and how you can go back to that person and reply in a way that's going to serve you. So today we talked about mom guilt, reasons behind saying yes, like reasons why we struggle to say no, and then I provided you some practical steps to start setting boundaries.

Let us know what experiences or questions you have about setting boundaries and not feeling guilty. Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Without Capes.

As you learn from tuning in, it is absolutely possible to set boundaries without feeling bad [00:24:00] about it. You must safeguard your time and energy because yours is just as important as anyone else's, so treat it as such. Use what you learned in today's episode to set yourself up for success. You are 100 percent responsible for your own life and for creating the joy you want to feel.

Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself, and please, above all, take care of yourself because you are worth it.