222 | Thriving or Just Surviving: Recognizing High Functioning Anxiety in Motherhood

If you're feeling overwhelmed, constantly overthinking, and driven by perfectionism, this episode is for you. We discuss how high-functioning anxiety can appear successful on the surface, but inside, it fuels worry and emotional exhaustion. You'll learn practical strategies to manage anxiety, including setting realistic expectations, prioritizing self-care, and seeking community support. Don’t miss out—take the first step towards reclaiming your sense of self today!

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

High-functioning anxiety
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Are you the mom who always seems to have it all together, yet secretly feel like you're just one step away from complete chaos? Do you find yourself obsessively planning every minute of your day just to avoid feelings of anxiety? Have you ever wondered if your drive for perfection is actually fueled by fear rather than ambition?

Join us today. As we dive into the hidden world of high functioning anxiety among high performing moms. Welcome to Moms Without Capes, the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom.

For the longest time, I just couldn't figure out how to get past the piles of dishes and the loads of laundry to do [00:01:00] something that didn't revolve around my family. I felt completely overwhelmed and very much unappreciated. That is, until I started doing the work to move myself Further up on my to do list and I began doing things that brought me joy and made me feel like I was an equal and worthy member of my family.

I discovered that this was the key to not losing myself in motherhood. And over the years of raising half a dozen kiddos, I can confidently hang up my cape. And now I want to help you do the same. This is Moms Without Capes. Today, we're uncovering the struggles behind the super mom facade while seeking to understand why even the most organized and successful moms feel like we are a step away from complete chaos.

We're going to explore the [00:02:00] fears and the worries and how they drive the need for perfection. And I'm also going to provide you some practical strategies for managing this often misunderstood anxiety. This is a conversation for all moms who are feeling the pressure, but I want you to know that you're not alone and we're going to uncover this together.

Towards the end of this episode, I'll share with you how you can get your hands on a brand new resource that will help you reclaim your sense of self beyond motherhood by lightening the mental and the physical loads you're carrying. So don't go anywhere.

Let's dive in and talk about high functioning anxiety. So it's not an official medical condition. Like there's no mental health disorder in the DSM for high functioning anxiety.

Of course, there's other anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder and things like that, but high functioning [00:03:00] anxiety is not a diagnosable disorder. This is the anxiety that often appears or hides behind successful and high achieving people. Not moms in particular, but today, of course, we're talking about how it shows up in high performing moms, AKA super moms.

it describes people who can do their tasks well and keep up with daily activities. This anxiety often shows up in people who are performing a lot, right?

They are keeping up with those daily activities. They are able to maintain function, but inside, These people are really struggling with a lot of anxiety. It's tricky because it's covered up by a look of being capable and dependable, but it's driven by this [00:04:00] anxiety that I'm going to share with you today, how it does show up.

It can present as over preparation or perfection. If you're spending an inordinate amount of time preparing for tasks obsessing over the details that others may not even notice, if you find that, you are, Just getting hung up in all the details and that's stopping you from making progress, right?

I'm a big advocate of progress over perfection and You're avoiding Criticism you are Feeling like a fear of failure and it's stopping you from moving forward Because you get set back by all of that perfection or over preparing of projects It can come out as procrastination.

This could be from perfectionism or the desire to be perfect or the [00:05:00] fear of failure. The frantic rush to meet deadlines maintaining a facade of having everything under control when in reality that is not possible. We always have to look at what we can control and what we can't control. But if you're trying to control it all, coming off as a control freak, you're procrastinating, putting off things to the last minute, that is a sign of anxiety.

keeping a busy schedule to avoid any downtime, not having any margin in your day where you're going from one thing to the next and filling up your schedule. This can lead to burnout and physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion. If you have a constant need to feel, to keep everyone happy, you are a people pleaser.

This is a sign of anxiety, especially if it's at the expense of your own needs. Where you're not making the space and time to focus on yourself, to practice self care, [00:06:00] to do things that bring you joy. If you're always putting other people's needs on top of your own, that could be coming from anxiety. If you're always worrying as well.

Despite external appearances of handling everything well, you may be having this internal dialogue with Where you are filled with worry about future events, about daily tasks, about your relationships. All of this worrying could be stemming from anxiety. So high functioning anxiety, it creates this noticeable gap between how you appear to others and how you feel internally. Externally, it may seem that you are managing everything effortlessly from maintaining a well kept home and excelling at work to participating actively in your kids education and extracurricular activities.

You may often be praised for your ability to do it all. Beneath this facade of success, or this facade of doing it all, you may be [00:07:00] grappling with intense anxiety, self doubt, and a constant fear of failing as a parent.

Internally, you may be constantly worrying about your child's future. You may be doubting your own parental decisions, You might be feeling overwhelmed by the daily demands of motherhood or your professional life. And it is draining, right? This pressure, this internal struggle is very draining and it can lead to feelings of loneliness and emotional distress.

You might believe that your fears are unjustified. given your external accomplishments, it even pushes more pressure on you because it creates a disconnect, a dissonance between what you are presenting to the world. And how you are feeling inside. It can make you feel very isolated and alone.

Just the opposite of what we are trying to create here. What we want to be feeling. So I mentioned the different [00:08:00] ways that high functioning anxiety can show up in motherhood. Perfectionism, constant worrying, procrastination, overthinking, and an inability to say no. Constantly compromising your own needs for those of others.

Are you feeling that disconnection between what the world is seeing or what you're putting out into the world versus what you are feeling internally?

Okay. So how does this impact your life? perceptions and feelings of pressure of everyone telling you're so strong and you can handle it all. And it's not how I feel. It's that disconnect.

Everyone's seeing as if you're a super mom, right? That you've got it all handled, that you can figure it out, right? There's a difference between like people trying to encourage you and saying you're strong, you've got this. versus them seeing Oh, she's got this, you like, cause it's what you're putting out in this world.

And it's fueled by this underlying anxiety. Plus [00:09:00] it exasperates or perpetuates this whole cycle because it's just creating a bigger gap. And so how do we bring this together? We're going to get to that in a couple of minutes, but first I want to talk about a little bit about.

How is this impacting your personal wellbeing, but also your relationships? What you're feeling inside and what people see on the outside for years. That disconnect can create a lot of angst within us. And as I'm going to share right now, it can really impact your personal and family life. This disconnect can affect your mental health.

As you may already know, if you are experiencing high functioning anxiety, even when you appear calm and controlled internally, if you're experiencing that relentless worry and stress, it can lead to depression, chronic [00:10:00] stress disorders, and can perpetuate the anxiety cycle. As I've talked about in past episodes this ongoing stress can manifest physically.

You can start getting headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, sleep disturbances, digestion issues, hypertension, weakened immune systems. It can create havoc on your physical health. And then it also can affect you emotionally. While you are trying to manage the anxiety by maintaining a high performance in your personal and professional roles, your emotional reserves get drained.

You might find you have less patience, that you're more irritable, you feel numb or disconnected from your feelings because your emotional energy is constantly being depleted. Which is why we need to replenish and focus on our emotional well being or self care, [00:11:00] which I'll talk about. 

You know I'm going to go there. Because every time I always talk about the importance of self care. And then it can affect not only your personal well being, but the family dynamics. It can affect your parenting style. This I still struggle with this, which I've shared before, but I became this control freak where I felt like I had to be excessively involved in my kids lives, orchestrating like my husband's schedule and being a helicopter parent, thinking that, if I didn't do this, I Let go of control.

If I loosen the reins, that chaos would ensue. And so I held this. It was stressful. It was tiring. It was emotionally exhausting, but it definitely affected my parenting style because I felt like I had to be in control, and that left little room to be able to do the things that [00:12:00] I enjoyed. And I reached burnout because of that.

It can strain the relationship with your partner and with your kids. Because anxiety driven need for control can lead to tension and frequent conflicts over seemingly minor issues, your kids and your partner might feel that they're constantly being critiqued, and that they're unable to meet the expectations.

And this can create emotional distance, which, impacts your relationship. If your partner and kids don't feel like they can get close to you because they feel like they're not meeting your unrealistically high expectations, they're going to withdraw. That's going to impact the relationship. And if you are struggling with this type of anxiety, it's going to ripple out into your family, like the overall mood of your family is going to be impacted because when 1 family member is always [00:13:00] feeling anxious and overextended Naturally affects the other parts of the system. It might manifest as a lack of quality family time. The affection or support among family members, because family members will withdraw because of feeling like they can't meet those expectations or that it's just constantly stress. It's just like that overall tense environment that you might be creating. The relentless push to meet high standards in, all the areas of your life, increases the risk of burnout, which is a state of emotional, physical, mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.

If you're constantly feeling anxious, and you're constantly like, these, all of these things are manifesting because of it, it's more of a risk of burnout. Moms with high functioning anxiety may reach a point where you feel so overwhelmed and unable to meet the [00:14:00] constant demands that it just leaves you emotionally exhausted, like that fatigue where no nap is going to help you.

It's this exhaustion that isn't helped by a physical nap. Where you just want to disappear. You just want to go, sit on a deserted island and sit Mai Tais, just to escape that, right? It just saps your energy, makes you feel helpless and resentful. So Tell me how in the comments, if you feel comfortable, it's up to you if you want to participate, but if you feel comfortable before we jump into, how do we do this?

How do we manage this high functioning anxiety? Let me know if you notice anything in your own life, how it has affected your personal wellbeing or your family. [00:15:00] So shall we talk about managing the high functioning anxiety?

How to manage this type of anxiety in your day to day life? One is to set realistic expectations in order to make any changes. Self awareness is key. Can we agree on that? We need to know what are your expectations? What are those things that you are holding about yourself or about others or about your position or your role as a mom?

We need to evaluate those standards that you are setting and see if they are impossibly high or if they're more realistic. One strategy is to actively redefine what is good enough. What is a good mom and what is good enough? Instead of trying to pursue this unrealistic super mom persona. Let's talk [00:16:00] about what is good enough.

I have done podcast episodes on what is a good mom not every task needs to be done to perfection. We can set achievable goals and accept mistakes as a normal part of life and learning. We are human. We need to give ourselves the grace and treat ourselves with self compassion so that we can function so that we can our personal and family well being.

setting realistic expectations can be done through delegating and sharing responsibilities. It's important to learn how to delegate tasks, both at home and at work. Sharing responsibilities can alleviate that pressure that comes with trying to handle everything alone.

The second thing, aside from looking at those standards and those expectations you're holding, is [00:17:00] prioritizing self care. routine health checks. This means going to the doctor, regularly, just like your kids need well checkups, so do we, like annual physicals and all of that.

Getting sleep. Prioritizing your sleep, getting at least eight hours at night, making sure that you're having a balanced diet, including your proteins and your fiber and all of those things, but making sure that you are prioritizing your own health, your physical health, doing therapy, if that's a thing, right?

If that's something that you feel that you need, engaging in regular exercise. That's another thing, whether that's just taking a walk, going to the gym, doing a fun fitness class, doing those things that are going to help you stabilize your mood, improve your energy level and reduce the symptoms of anxiety.

This includes scheduling some downtime in your day, making sure that you are creating some [00:18:00] margin for relaxation and leisure activities. 

Reading a book, taking a long bath, practicing a hobby. All of these things are crucial to help you ensure your well being. In October, I will be running the self care challenge. If you are new to this group, or even if you've done the self care challenge before, look for that because, in that challenge, I walk you through the five pillars of self care or the dimensions of health.

You will get tons of ideas and tips and ways to implement self care into your daily routines. A third way to combat the anxiety that you might be feeling is by practicing mindfulness.

Meditation and breathing is probably the thing that you're thinking of when you think of mindfulness. If you've heard that before, but engaging in either guided meditation or just sitting for three minutes, start with [00:19:00] just three minutes, set a timer on your phone and sit for three minutes and bring your focus to your breathing.

And if your mind goes, that's okay. Meditation isn't that void of all thought, like you're not emptying your mind, that's nearly impossible, even monks who are trained in that, their minds are going to wander but it's bringing it back and focusing in on your breathing, focusing in on the here and now, do a meditation with your senses, do a mindfulness walk.

Where you take a walk down the street and you actually just notice the trees, the flowers, the grass, your sneaker hitting the pavement, right? Like the things that are in the here and now. That's what mindfulness is being mindful of the present moment. There's also some guided meditations on YouTube that you could use or take a yoga class.

All of these things are meditation or mindfulness practices. If you want there's a lot aside from YouTube use technology, there's other [00:20:00] apps there. Insight timer is another one That is a great app for some guided meditation, but there I know there's a lot more than that If you are struggling to control your anxiety A great option is therapy It's the stigmas dropping a little bit. And I know there are lots of great therapists out in the world. if you are in Montana and you're a mom, I offer therapy as a counselor. I do one on one individual counseling, but I'm only licensed in Montana. I offer right here in Billings, virtual and in person therapy. So that's something that you think would be helpful, reach out to me. But if you are not in Montana and you're seeking counseling, google it. Ask around. Maybe when you go to that annual physical, ask your primary care physician, they may have a referral source for you.

being able to talk through feelings with a [00:21:00] therapist or with a professional can help reduce anxiety and you can learn some coping skills, or some better ways to challenge those irrational thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you feeling anxious. And then finally, getting support, not just from professionals, but from peers and a community right here in Moms Without Capes.

I offer monthly meetups where you can come and connect with other moms and talk about topics that are relevant to us as women. only when you engage with others, will you help others feel that they're not alone as well, but you'll also get that support that's so important, but leaning into your support system as well.

Your local support system, your family, your friends, your husband, your partner, your, if you have older kids, this is all going to help you become the best version of yourself.



We are human beings, not [00:22:00] human doings, but we need to be able to. Deal with the underlying expectations that we're holding again for ourselves and redefining good mom and all of the things that we need to do in order to learn that we are an equal member of our family.

We are worthy of having downtime and just being rather than always doing. So I have that awesome resource for you. Something that will help you on your way to reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood.

Making space for self care, hobbies, and fun is impossible when you're carrying the full load of domestic labor. Having a to do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself can lead straight to burnout and can be devastating to your health and your relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load.

It includes conversation starters, tips for managing [00:23:00] expectations, and practical strategies for redistributing household and child care tasks. Grab your guide today by visiting momswithoutcapes. com backslash share the load. Or click the link in the show notes of today's episode.

As you learned from listening, high functioning anxiety is often masked by external achievements while causing internal turmoil. Typically, it shows up as perfectionism, overthinking, and having poor boundaries. As I shared and as you may be experiencing, it impacts personal and family life.

It can lead to potential burnout, but using mindfulness and prioritizing self care, it can mitigate the effects anxiety. Remember, you are 100 percent responsible for your own life and [00:24:00] for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot. 

check in with yourself. And above all, take care of yourself because you, my friends are worth it.