223 | Co-Dependency in Motherhood: How to Stop Over-functioning and Find Space for Yourself

Dive into the heart of why so many moms feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness and how this ties into co-dependency. Learn how to recognize the signs of co-dependency in motherhood, such as feeling like it’s your job to manage everyone’s emotions, and why this mindset leads to burnout and emotional exhaustion. We’ll discuss why setting boundaries and building self-esteem are essential for reclaiming your sense of self and happiness. Walk away with actionable steps to stop over-functioning, share the mental load, and finally make space for your own well-being.

If you’re ready to stop being the fixer and start finding balance in motherhood, this episode is for you! Tune in to learn how to break free from co-dependency and create healthier relationships.

Key Topics:

• Co-dependency in motherhood
• How to stop feeling responsible for everyone’s happiness
• Setting boundaries as a mom
• Building self-esteem and reclaiming personal space
• Sharing the mental and emotional load in the family

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Codependency
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[00:00:00] Are you constantly putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, feeling drained, and wondering why you can't break the cycle? In this episode, we're diving into a question so many super moms wrestle with. How can we stop feeling like we're responsible for everyone else's happiness and finally make space for our own?

If you're ready to hang up that Supermom cape and find balance again, then this episode is for you. You might not even realize it, but codependency could be sneaking into your everyday life. For example, maybe you feel like you have to step in and handle everything because no one else does it right. From planning the family's meals to organizing school projects, it leaves you feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

But the thought of letting go makes you pretty anxious. Or maybe you find yourself constantly seeking approval from your kids or your spouse. To make sure that [00:01:00] you're doing a good job. You feel guilty taking time for yourself. Convinced that your worth is tied to how much you can give. These are just two ways that codependency might be showing up in your life.

But the good news is there's a way out. And today we're going to explore how to recognize those patterns. Break free. And build a healthier, more balanced life. Welcome to Moms Without Capes. The podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie, and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself.

So that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. For years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry, constantly putting my family's needs above my own. [00:02:00] I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and felt completely invisible. It seemed impossible to carve out time for anything that didn't directly revolve around my family.

But everything changed when I finally decided to move myself up on my own to do list. I started prioritizing things that brought me joy and fulfillment, allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth and take ownership of my life, instead of feeling like I was just managing things for everyone else. As a mom of six, I know firsthand the struggle to juggle it all.

But through years of learning, growing, and shedding the supermom identity, I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs. Without the guilt. Now I'm here to help you do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood. Together, we can hang up that super mom cape and embrace a [00:03:00] more balanced, joyful life.

This.

is Moms Without Capes Today we're exploring why so many moms feel like it's their job to manage everyone else's emotions and how this often leads to burnout, resentment, and losing touch with who you are. I'll walk you through how these feelings of responsibility can stem from codependency. We'll talk about what those signs are, and most importantly, How you can start breaking free from building self worth to setting boundaries and sharing the mental and emotional load.

I'll share some actionable steps that you can take to reclaim your happiness and to live more authentically. If you're ready to stop being the fixer for everyone and start making room for your own wellbeing, then keep listening. You won't want to miss this. And [00:04:00] towards the end of this episode, I'll share with you how you can get your hands on a resource that will help you reclaim your sense of self beyond motherhood, by lightening the mental and physical loads that you are carrying.

So don't go anywhere. Let's dive in. Does this sound familiar? You're constantly worrying about whether your kids are happy, if your spouse is okay, or if everyone around you is comfortable. it feels like you're juggling everyone's emotions and trying to fix every problem and when someone isn't happy You feel like it's your fault or that you can fix it.

You might even feel guilty when you try to carve out time for yourself or say no to something. Today we're going to talk about why we often feel this way as moms and how this sense of responsibility can be a form of codependency. You may have heard of codependency before and perhaps [00:05:00] you thought it was Depending on someone.

And since we are all just these independent women, we have a hard time understanding that definition of codependency. But what it is, it's when we base our sense of worth or control on how others are feeling. We become emotionally dependent on the happiness and comfort of those around us. And we tie our own identity to how well

we can manage their emotions. For us moms Codependency can show up in so many ways Maybe you're the one who's always stepping in to solve everyone's problems For making sure your kids schedules are perfect, to smoothing over any conflict in the household.

You might feel like it's [00:06:00] your job to keep the peace or to be the glue that holds everything together. And while that may seem really noble on the surface, It's also super exhausting, and it leaves little room for meeting your own needs. This sense of responsibility, while often well intentioned, can leave us feeling drained, overwhelmed, and in some cases, completely disconnected from who we are outside of our roles As moms, partners and caregivers. And that's where we're going to explore today.. How to recognize these patterns of codependency. Why we feel responsible for everyone's happiness. And most importantly, how we can start to make space for our own well being. So if you've been feeling like you're carrying the emotional weight of your family on your shoulders.

Thank you. Keep listening, because I'm going to walk you through how to break free from this cycle [00:07:00] and to reclaim a healthier balance in your life. I want to take a moment to talk about why so many of us moms feel responsible for everyone. Else's happiness. This is such a common struggle and it often starts with the cultural and societal expectations that we've absorbed. There's this deeply ingrained belief. That a good mom. Is one who ensures that her family is always content. Well cared for and thriving. We're taught that our worth as mothers is measured by how happy and well adjusted. Our kids and partners are. For many of us, this conditioning starts in childhood. We grew up learning to put the needs of others ahead of our own. And to prioritize harmony in relationships. Even at the expense of our own wellbeing. [00:08:00] As adults, we carry this into motherhood, believing that we're responsible for keeping everything running smoothly. And that if we let go. Even a little. We're somehow failing. There's also this desire for control and security. When things feel chaotic. Taking responsibility for others. Emotions can make us feel more in control. But the cost of this is often our own happiness. 

And of course there's the fear of failure. Or rejection. The idea that if we don't feel. The idea that if we don't keep everyone happy, we're letting them down. Which drives us to over-function and never take a break. If you find yourself constantly checking in on how everyone is feeling or feeling guilty, when you try to take time for yourself. You may be taking on too much emotional [00:09:00] responsibility. You might feel like if someone in your family is upset that it's your job to fix it or smooth things over. And this can certainly lead to exhaustion and burnout. It's no wonder that so many of us moms feel completely overwhelmed. Trying to juggle everyone's needs and losing ourselves in the process. But here's the reality. Caring everyone. 

Else's happiness comes at a cost. It can seriously damage your mental health leading to anxiety overwhelm, or even depression. It also impacts your relationships because when you're not. Because when you're always putting others first, it creates an unhealthy dynamic where you're seen as the fixer. But your own needs get overlooked. Over time, this focus on everyone else leaves little room to explore who you are. What you enjoy? And what makes you happy? This is why it's so important to recognize these patterns [00:10:00] and start shifting them. You deserve a life where you're not carrying the weight of everyone's emotions. But instead making space for your own happiness and fulfillment. . Now let's talk about one of the most important pieces of breaking free from codependency. Building your self worth and prioritizing yourself. You know that within the Moms Without Capes community, that's one of our main missions is to help you prioritize yourself.

Put yourself further up. On your to do list. For so many of us moms, our self esteem gets tangled up with how well we care for others. We judge ourselves based on how much we do for our kids, our spouse, or even our community. But when our entire identity is tied to being the caretaker, we lose sight of who we are outside of those [00:11:00] roles.

How do we start to cultivate self esteem that isn't tied to how well we care for others? It begins with recognizing that your value goes far beyond the tasks you accomplish or how happy everyone else is. You are worthy, simply because of who you are, not because of what you do for others. One way to start this shift is by finding things that bring you joy, that are not connected to your role as a mom or a partner.

These can be small things. Maybe it's taking just 15 minutes in the morning to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee, signing up for a class that you've always wanted to take, or spending time on a hobby you love

The key is to put yourself on your own to do list, not just to check off tasks for the family, but to do something that fills your own cup. Hey, I know it's hard to do this [00:12:00] without feeling selfish. We've been conditioned to think that if we take time for ourselves, we're neglecting our family or we're not being a good mom.

But the truth is, when you take care of yourself, You show up better for your family. You have more patience, more energy, and more emotional space to be present. Think of it like this. If you're running on empty, constantly giving and giving without replenishing your own well being, you're not going to be able to show up in the way that you want to.

Taking time for yourself isn't selfish. It's actually the opposite. It's necessary. It helps you to be the best version of yourself for your family. And most importantly, for you. So start small. Schedule time in your day or week that is just for you, and don't feel guilty about it. Because you deserve it, and [00:13:00] when you prioritize yourself, everything else starts to fall into place.

Now that we've talked about the importance of building your self worth and prioritizing yourself, let's move into another critical piece of the puzzle, setting healthy boundaries. This is one of the most powerful ways to stop feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness and finally making space for your own needs.

As moms, it's so easy to fall into the role of the fixer. When someone in the family is upset, stressed, or overwhelmed, we feel like it's our job to swoop in and make everything better. Hello, Supermom. But here's the thing, constantly taking on that emotional responsibility for everyone else, It also teaches others that they can rely on us to manage their emotions, which isn't healthy for them either.

So how do we [00:14:00] start setting boundaries around this emotional responsibility? First, it's important to recognize that it's okay to not fix everything. When your child is upset or your spouse is stressed, It's okay to offer support, but that doesn't mean you have to solve the problem for them. In fact, stepping back and letting them work through their emotions can be empowering for them.

To start setting boundaries, try saying things like, I understand you're feeling upset and I'm here for you, but I trust that you can handle this. It's a subtle way of offering support while also making it clear that you're not going to carry the emotional load for them. Boundaries are key because they allow you to rediscover space for your own feelings, wants, and needs.

When you're constantly wrapped up in everyone else's emotions, It's hard to even know what you're feeling. or what you [00:15:00] need. But when you set those boundaries, you create the emotional space to tune into yourself and check in with how you are doing.

I know setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're used to being the fixer. But start small. Be clear and firm with your family about when you need time for yourself or when you're not available to manage their emotions. For example, if your child comes to you with every little problem, you can start by encouraging them to find their own solutions before coming to you.

Or, if your partner expects you to take on their stress at the end of the day, set a boundary by saying, I'm happy to listen. But I need some time for myself afterwards. Boundaries are not about being cold or distant. They're about protecting your energy and ensuring that your own [00:16:00] emotional well being is prioritized.

When you set healthy boundaries, you're not only caring for yourself, you're teaching your family that it's okay to manage their own emotions. which ultimately helps them grow stronger and more independent too. Remember, boundaries are like muscles. The more you practice setting and enforcing them, the stronger they become.

So don't be afraid to start building those boundaries.

Now that we've talked about the importance of building your self worth and prioritizing yourself,

we've covered building self worth and setting boundaries. And now let's talk about something that can feel even harder for many of us. Letting go of control and sharing the load. This is another essential step in breaking the cycle of codependency, where we often feel like we have to handle everything ourselves, especially as moms.

When you're used to managing every little [00:17:00] detail of your family's life, it can be incredibly difficult to step back and trust others to take on responsibilities. But here's the truth. Sharing the load with your partner and kids isn't just helpful, it's necessary. It's impossible for one person to carry the weight of everyone's emotions, needs, and daily tasks.

That's why learning to delegate and trusting your family to handle things on their own is key to breaking free from codependency. One of the reasons we cling to control is the belief that things won't get done right unless we do them ourselves. But the reality is They might not do things the way you would, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong. It's okay if your partner loads the dishwasher differently or your kids fold the tails in a way that's not quite perfect. [00:18:00] What matters is that you're no longer carrying the entire load by yourself.

Let's talk about letting go of emotional responsibility too. When your kids are struggling with their feelings or your partner is having a hard day, it's natural to want to step in and fix things. But it's so important to allow them the space to handle their own emotions and problem solve.

This not only helps them grow, but also frees you from the constant pressure of managing everyone's emotional state. You don't have to be the fixer for every emotional hurdle in the family, sometimes just offering a listening ear or encouragement. Now, if you're wondering how to make this shift happen practically, I want to introduce you to a really powerful tool called the Fair Play [00:19:00] System. The Fair Play System is a simple yet transformative approach to balancing the mental and physical load of household and family responsibilities. It involves sitting down with your partner and just openly discussing the many invisible tasks that are often falling on moms, from planning meals to keeping track of school schedules.

It helps you redistribute these tasks more fairly so that everyone is sharing the load. Not just you. What I love about the Fair Play system is that it encourages full ownership of tasks. For example, if your partner takes on the responsibility of grocery shopping, they're not just grabbing what's already on a list.

You're giving them the entire task, from deciding what's needed to putting the groceries away. This reduces the mental load for you because you're not overseeing every step of the process. Implementing a system [00:20:00] like this is a game changer. It allows you to let go of control, knowing that the responsibilities are truly being shared, and it gives you the space to focus on what matters most to you, whether that's spending more time on personal or professional development.

Whether that's spending more time on self care, your personal goals, or simply being more present with your family without the stress of managing everything. Letting go of control can feel daunting at first, but the freedom and balance it brings are worth it. When you start sharing the load, you'll notice a shift, not just in your family dynamic, but also in how you feel.

You'll be more relaxed. less resentful and able to enjoy your family in a whole new way. I have an awesome resource for you. If you're interested in learning how to better share the load, this is something that will help you on your way to [00:21:00] reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood. Because making space for self care hobbies and fun is impossible when you are carrying the full load of domestic labor.

Having a to do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself can lead straight to burnout and can be devastating to your health and your relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load. It includes some conversation starters, tips for managing expectations, and practical strategies for redistributing household and child care tasks.

Grab your guide today by visiting momswithoutcapes. com backslash share the load. Or click the link in the show notes of today's episode. As we wrap up today's episode, I want to remind you that healing from feeling responsible for everyone's happiness is a journey of reclaiming your own life and [00:22:00] finally making space for your well being. It's about learning to prioritize yourself. Set healthy boundaries, let go of control, and share the emotional and physical load with your family. The first step is recognizing patterns of codependency and understanding that you have the power to shift them.

It might feel challenging at first, but remember, you deserve a life where your needs and happiness are just as important as everyone else's.

If this episode resonated with you and you would like further support untangling yourself from these patterns and reclaiming your sense of self beyond your role as a mom, I would like an opportunity to serve you. I offer individual counseling to mothers in Montana, both in person and virtually. But if you are outside of the state, I offer various workshops and events that can help you on your journey to [00:23:00] reconnecting with yourself within and beyond motherhood.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Without Capes. As you learned, codependency can make you feel responsible for everyone else's happiness. But there are ways to break free, such as setting boundaries, building your self esteem, and making space for your own needs without guilt. Remember, you are 100 percent responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel.

Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself, and please, above all, take care of yourself, because you, my friend, are worth it.